School has started again. In anticipation of not being able to post as frequently as I would like, I am resurrecting an old favorite: The Shallow Thoughts. A word about these. These are the product of much boredom. I used to drive a jumbo, beat-up, old flatbed truck out to the sticks and sell hay to passersby. I had a lot of downtime on the job, so I amused myself by writing these. These are all Matt Palmer originals but for one (I'll let you guess which one that is). This was all done about five years ago. I've narrowed it down to 159 Shallow Thoughts from the original 250. These should hold everyone for the time being.

1. Next time I go on a blind date I don’t want my friend to tell my date that I’m really nice. I want my friend to tell my date that I’m really hot, but the biggest jerk alive. That way, if my date shows up, I can be pretty sure that she’s looking for action.
2. If I was a butcher I wouldn’t sell the choicest cuts of meat for a living. I would be an investment banker and use butchery strictly as a means of intimidation.
3. 4 out of 5 dentists will approve anything. I bet the fifth dentist is a prickly old man who keeps to himself, and remembers the good old days when families shared a toothbrush, and when a tooth was sore he would pull it out. I bet he uses words like “newfangled,” and “whippersnapper.” He probably thinks his colleagues are too easily impressed.
4. If it was my job to police The Police I think I would call myself Super Citizen, or The Man’s Man, or maybe even Sting. Then people would know what’s up.
5. I think public opinion is fickle. Oh, you’re right, it’s not.
6. The majority of people are minorities. I still can’t into a good Grad school.
7. If I disagree with someone, I have a 50% chance of being right, but if that person is stupid, I’d make it more like 60/40.
8. A lot of people think that death is scary, but not me. I think that clowns are scary, because you can only die once, but the circus comes to town every July.
9. If I was an animal, I would be a bear, because no one has ever said “no,” to a bear that told them to be quiet during a movie.
10. Smiley faces are ridiculous. If my head was round, and I had no hair, nose, or ears, I would not be so happy.
11. I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could give it to some guy who wished he had a million dollars.
12. I know a guy with a superfluous third nipple. But I think that everyone’s wrong, people should have four nipples, and my friend is just one less nipple in the hole.
13. If I robbed a bank, I wouldn’t say, “Put the money in the bag,” or, “Stick ’em up.” I would say, “I would like to way overdraw my account.” That way, if the FBI caught me, I could tell them the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.
14. People think that carneys are creepy. What’s so creepy about a smelly man that travels from town to town ripping off children at a ring-tossing game, sleeps in a trailer, wears eye shadow, carries a gun, and has sex with a bearded lady?
15. One of these days I’m going to give procrastinators a piece of my mind.
16. If I owned a trucking company, I wouldn’t call it “Matt’s Trucking,” or, “Big Daddy M’s Trucking,” I would call it, “Get the Hell Out of My Way Trucking.” That way people would know what to expect.
17. A lot of people think it’s wrong to eat animals, but it’s okay to eat fish because fish don’t have any feelings. I think fish do have feelings. If you could hear a fish’s thoughts they would sound something like, “It sure would make me happy if someone ate me,” or “I will be so sad if I don’t get eaten today.”
18. Science says that water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius. I think they’re wrong. I think water doesn’t freeze at 0 degrees Celsius.
19. Sometimes I wander why everyone thinks I’m crazy. But then I remember that not everyone has bugs beneath their skin, and knows that eating the dung from a silverback gorilla gives you magical powers.
20. Skateboarding is not a crime. Unless you’re using it as a getaway vehicle after kidnapping a senator’s daughter.
21. People who think that cartoon violence doesn’t hurt anyone are wrong, because right now in Singapore, there is a cartoonist with a killer cramp in his drawing hand.
22. People who put bumper-stickers on their cars are stupid, because sooner or later they are going to pick the wrong candidate.
23. If I owned a slot machine I would call it “Nostalgia.” Then old ladies could put pennies in and remember when you needed a nickel or a quarter to play the slots.
24. I think that instead of cash, banks should carry accordions. That might get people to start saving their money.
25. If videogames were outlawed they would be replaced by something parents hate just as much. Like spending time with their children.
26. Whenever someone tells me to “have a good one” I pretend that “one” means year, and not day. That way, I can be happy for a long time.
27. Sometimes I wonder if my cell phone’s on vibrate, or if I am sitting way too still.
28. When asked if a girl’s looks matter I reply, “Only if she’s ugly.”
29. I don’t like to call it going bald. I think that forehead globalization is a much better term.
30. I always wondered why dogs like to pee on fire hydrants. Then I saw a fireman relieving himself into a box of milk bones at the grocery store.
31. The only situation I can think of when it wouldn’t be funny if someone got hit in the nuts would be if I saw it exactly as my car was breaking down.
32. If I owned a company that made signs I wouldn’t hang a sign outside of my shop that said, “Matt’s Signs,” or, “Signs of the Times.” My sign would say, “Hey, I will make you a sign in exchange for money.”
33. Smart people estimate that 9 out of 10 people are stupid. Meanwhile, stupid people estimate that 1 out of 10 people don’t like reality TV shows.
34. I wish I owned a pitchfork and a torch, because then, monsters wouldn’t think about moving anywhere near my house.
35. When I have kids, I’m not going to give them names like, “Achmad,” or “Ling-Ling,” or “Perseus.” I’m going to give them weird names like, “Bill,” or, “Tom,” or, “Suzy.”
36. I wouldn’t want to run a marathon. Unless the weather was nice, and I was about 26 miles from Disneyland, and all the lines were really short.
37. If I could wish for one thing it would be world peace. But since that’ll never happen, I wish that I could dunk.
38. If I owned a burger joint I would put the buns on the inside. That way people wouldn’t complain so much if I forgot the ketchup.
39. Somewhere in hell right now, there is a room full of rock stars’ pilots.
40. One time I went to school in my underwear. That day in Math, I dreamt I had a test.
41. If a bug’s really as scared of me as I’m scared of it, then why don’t bugs run screaming every time I go near them?
42. When a was a kid, I wanted to be a junky when I grew up, but my grades weren’t good enough. So I went to community college.
43. I think that gold would be an even more precious metal if you could eat it.
44. I wish I drove a tow truck. That would keep the miles on my car way down.
45. If I was a pirate, I wouldn’t spend all of my time chasing buried treasure. I would chase leprechauns, because as far as I know, the rainbow does not end underground.
46. If I owned a work truck, I would put a water cooler on the outside and fill it with cheap whiskey. That way, I could save the freeway bums a trip to the store.
47. I think that going to heaven is way underrated.
48. The only way I would ever become a vegetarian would be if plants learned to walk, and to do it they had to replace vegetables with muscle.
49. No opinion is less reliable than that of a cheerleader. Too many times have cheerleaders from a second place team held up their index finger as an indicator of rank.
50. If I created my own candy it wouldn’t be sweet, or sour, or sweet and sour. It would be bland. I would call it blandy instead of candy. Old people would like my blandy.
51. I think that people should replace numbers with good times. Because then, the fun would never stop.
52. If I was a bird I wouldn’t sit on telephone wires, I would sit on telephones. That way, everyone would have to give me a cracker if they wanted to make a call.
53. Since kids pass notes in English class, do they pass letters in Music class?
54. If I was a professor and I taught at a university, I wouldn’t grow a beard. That’s just what they’d be expecting.
55. If I was a fighter-pilot, I wouldn’t shoot down other planes. I would hock my jet for the most bitchen gold ring you ever saw.
56. I think that time should be abolished. That way instead of being fashionably late, people would have to be fashionably ugly.
57. If jokes made people cry would we still tell them? I think so, but only to people we hate, or that drive poorly.
58. I think that if they started calling jails, “Houses of Stabbing and Sodomy“, that might entice people to not break the law.
59. If I had big hair there is no way that I’d sit in the back row of a movie theater. Unless it was really big.
60. I would bet that the person who coined the phrase, “In the house,” was the same person who invented indoor plumbing.
61. I don’t think that getting away with murder is the perfect crime. I think that remote control theft is, because the couch always takes the blame.
62. I saw a commercial for Jack in the Box saying that they make three salads fresh everyday. If I was their fourth salad buying customer I would feel ripped off.
63. People want it to be legal for two guys or two girls to get married. Some people will do anything for a tax break.
64. I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. I think my TV is watching me.
65. It is not a good idea to play dead when being attacked by a killer.
66. I was going to buy some British speakers, but I cant stand it when the word color is pronounced with an o-u-r.
67. I went to the gym to lift weights, but someone had already picked them up and put them on the bar.
68. I had to hire a twelve inch pianist to entertain my million ducks.
69. Most people don’t know I have a tattoo because it is the exact same color as my forehead.
70. Some kid keeps stealing my car, joyriding it, then filling it back up with gas and taking the miles off of the odometer.
71. I don’t know why they bother to put urinal cakes in urinals. They just get dirty.
72. If I could have any job, it would be wallet inspector for the Yankees.
73. Most people don’t know that monkeys use the same electoral process as humans. But what we call “debates” they call “ crap fights.”
74. I think that death metal needs resuscitation.
75. If I went back in time, I wouldn’t make myself really rich, or save the world. I would tell my old self that the cup in front of the other guy has the poison in it.
76. On a scale of 1-10; 1 being the least favorable thing and 10 being the most favorable thing: I would give torture a 1.
77. Gatorade: Side effects may include greed.
78. Whenever I can’t think of anything good to say, I seem to be speaking.
79. I had a personal trainer test my strength. It was just as I expected: exactly one man power.
80. If experience has taught me anything it is that it is best to taunt athletes when they are not changing your tire.
81. Painters would be less poor if they started painting life-size portraits of $100 bills.
82. I’m going to start doing my homework in my car because I get free roadside assistance.
83. When I get old I’m not going to be like other old people, I’m going to be bitter and resentful.
84. People who owe society are called criminals. People who think society owes them, are called democrats. People who think they own society are called republicans.
85. Contrary to popular belief, PMS is not considered a biological weapon.
86. I wish I spoke Spanish. Then I could teach the Mexicans standing on the corner phrases that will help them get work like “Make love to your wife, fifty dollars?” Or “Careful, I steeaal!”
87. I think that math is a big waste of time. Especially since numbers can be written using letters.
88. I think regular people would start going to art galleries if they replaced paintings with TV’s, and conversation with beer.
89. Next time I’m arguing with a rhino, I’m going to make sure there is a tree near by.
90. I think of all the plants in the world, cacti take themselves way too seriously.
91. If there was one sentence I wish I heard more it would be, “You are the sexiest man I have ever met!”
92. Not known to most, the faucets lining bathroom walls are not strictly decorative.
93. I bet God eats a lot of pie. What other food is that hilarious when used as a weapon?
94. I hate countries that show aggressive, threatening, behavior. We should invade them next.
95. I always used to think people were calling me a “Stick-in-the-mud.” But it turns out that it just sounds a lot like “Sick-in-the-head.”
96. If your body really is the soul’s vehicle, that would explain why so many people are content to drive Suburbans, and so few prefer sports cars.
97. Next time an old man says to me “In my day, we respected our elders.” I’m going to say, “Yeah, and look where it got you.”
98. Two dollars per gallon is too much to pay for gas. Especially when it tastes like crap.
99. I used to have a job delivering Chinese food in a Jaguar. Except instead of a Jaguar, I drove a bicycle, and instead of Chinese food, I delivered cocaine.
100. Telephone poles: where more people get phone calls than any other piece of lumber.
101. I think that cars would be more stylish if they had five wheels and one axle.
102. Scientifically speaking, gossip is a liquid: It is a substance that flows when it is not contained.
103. I would be a lot happier right now if I would have known that syphilis is not a regional dialect for the sniffles.
104. I always see giant trucks drive by with forklifts on the back. If the truck is that hard to get into, they should buy a smaller vehicle.
105. I think people worry way too much about going to prison. Except for criminals, I think they worry just the right amount.
106. I think that two tractors should not be allowed to get married.
107. I always wondered what they use to translate Latin music into Spanish.
108. Next time I go to the dog track, I’m betting on a dog with four legs.
109. Doctors have a lot in common with the IRS: They both take more money than they need, and are prone to giving embarrassing probes in the coldest manner.
110. Of all the elements, water is the laziest; it only goes downhill.
111. Whoever invented candy canes must be really small.
112. I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could wish that I had a billion dollars.
113. I bet unicorns think horses look silly.
114. The pen really would be mightier than the sword, if it exploded.
115. If I lived in Detroit, I wouldn’t buy a gun. I would buy lots of guns.
116. If I was a mathematician, I would prove the age old argument: Algebra is useless to most.
117. Dentures: Side effects may include: crabbiness, short temper, unwillingness to accept new thought or technology, likelihood to complain, and nostalgia.
118. I think that the Navy has it all backwards: Water sinks in canyons of boats.
119. Birds are a bad example to children. All they do is hang around collecting grass and having sex in random, public places; they are like small town high school students.
120. Next time I buy a used car, I’m going to make sure that someone else has owned it before me.
121. Current events are alarming: It’s one hundred ten degrees out and I’m hungry.
122. Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every gay man is another homosexual.
123. Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
124. I wish pubic urinals were more like the one in my house: the kind you can shower in.
125. Wearing a mullet: side effects may include: scowl, paranoia toward government, desire to participate in an old west shootout, affinity for heavy weaponry, residence in trailer, and unpleasant odor not unlike that of maple syrup.
126. One-celled organisms have too many cells.
127. I think that Shakespeare is overrated. But if anyone was underrated, it would be Shakespeare.
128. For some reason, New Hampshire keeps mailing me sausage.
129. If I was the only ruler in a large nation I would probably have a lot of things to measure.
130. Striped shirts should make up their minds.
131. Most people don’t realize that the world is upside down because people are too.
132. If I was bald with a beard I wouldn’t ride a motorcycle, or work at a car parts store. I would wear glasses upside down over my mouth, and a fake mouth upside down over my eyes, and scare the crap out of my optometrist.
133. I love the zoo. Except when people are obnoxious . . . especially the fat ones who always tap on the glass of my cage window.
134. I don’t think there’s as much fire in hell as people think. But I bet there’s a lot of soccer.
135. Black holes are greedy.
136. Most people don’t know that chairs take a break when they think nobody’s looking.
137. I bet glaciers think we don’t live very long.
138. Everything works until you attempt to prove it to somebody else.
139. Tie dye: side effects may include: rapid uncontrollable hair growth, distaste for conservatism, tendency to watch Scooby Doo, affinity for all hemp products, and overuse of the word “Man” ranging from mild to severe.
140. I’ve never been turned down by a girl. I’m just attracted to girls who spend weekend nights washing their hair.
141. Most people don’t know that polar bears avoid the desert because sand sticks to their fur.
142. Stalin was very good at murdering people, but as far as inflicting pain goes, he was an average dentist.
143. Of all the terrible people in the world, Jerry Springer is the ugliest.
144. I think that Kung Fu movies are too violent. Except when they’re on the news, then I think they’re quite informative.
145. Any time someone says they are happy for me I say, “Come on man, I wanted to do that.”
146. If I ever left my wife I wouldn’t say, “Goodbye,” or, “I’m leaving you.” I would say, “Taller hydrogen walks the plank, matey!” That way, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what I was talking about, instead of wondering where the toaster over went.
147. I’ve never had a nickname. But if I had one, I would like it to be. “He who’s body inspires lustful thoughts.”
148. Doctors agree: 8 out of 10 statues don’t get enough exercise.
149. High-fives are the lowest form of human celebration there is. They should be replaced with something more sophisticated, like butting heads, or flashing school buses.
150. I think the South would be a better place to live if the weather was nice, and nobody else lived there.
151. People don’t realize that it’s not that clouds block the sun out from them, but that clouds block them out from the sun.
152. Traffic barricades are a lot like Deon Sanders: They are both obnoxiously dressed, and are not there for hitting.
153. I think that history is useless, but only to people that are already dead.
154. Penguins only have one mate each year. That is just one of many reasons why they make lousy basketball players.
155. I think that among food, salad is the most admired of all dishes. Everything is trying to become a salad these days. Someone should tell macaroni, potatoes, chicken, Caesar, and the rest that they are tasty enough in their original form and they should stop pretending to be their leafy brother.
156. I am so glad that 3-D glasses do not work. Lead underwear would be way too uncomfortable.
157. Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
158. If experience has taught me anything it’s that the Queen of England does not appreciate it when someone attempts to convince her they have stolen her nose by placing the tip of their thumb between their index and middle fingers.
159. I always wondered McDonald’s customers pay extra for that dude to step on their hamburger.

You may think that I have gone crazy (again), but I love cold weather. To be honest, it doesn't get much colder than 25 degrees here, at least so far. But this week, we had some weather that I had never before seen, or even knew existed: freezing rain.

Before you scoff at my ignorance, remember that I grew up in the Phoenix area where the only things that freeze are either caffeinated, or play weekly at Sun Devil Stadium. I had always thought that freezing rain was what most people called ice. Or that rain, having been frozen previous to its descent to the surface of the Earth, was known by most as snow. However, there is a rain that freezes, which is not to be confused with freezing fog, which we also have here. I think the best way to describe freezing fog is to think of what might happen in a certain area of the body if one were wearing sweat pants while jogging through north Alaska.

Also, having been from Phoenix, I am no stranger to dramatic landscapes. I took this picture not two weeks ago, just outside of Mesa. It may be familiar to many of you.



But I digress. We had some freezing rain this week, and, much to my delight, the rain left a scene that I found most original and pleasing. Most of the trees here have already lost their leaves. The areas around the creeks and rivers are now filled with the skeletal forms of these trees in hibernation. The rain fell all day and froze to everything in town. Icicles dripped from from every sign, branch, and stationary object. And nowhere did the rain stay frozen like in the dead and leafless trees.




The trees were much like the palo verde in Arizona, exhumed from the desert and resurrected in a crystalline haze, for each branch carried a load of dozens of tiny, shining ice-leaves that grew with the falling rain. The area around this wash, previously washed through in gray, now blended into the cloudy sky and the thin fog that froze in the wash so that the scant remaining halfdead grass seemed the world's only color, like the pallor of gold corroded. It was something I never expected to see in my dreams, a great and simple treat for a desert guy like myself. Perhaps this was commonplace to the locals, if so, all the worse for them.

Phoenix Picture Bonanza

We have returned! We went. We saw. We visited. (Phoenix having been previously conquered by the United States). We were in Arizona for a little over a week. We spent time in Snowflake and in the Phoenix area. We were able to see everyone we wanted to see (and some we had no desire to see at all; I'm looking your way, town of Taylor). Overall, it was a great trip: I got to go on a ride along with my cop brother Nolan. Long true story short: a wino urinated in the backseat of his cruiser. Fun was had by all. And I mean all. I did a bit of hiking with Shane and Jalan. We watched bowl games at the Dababnehs. And those grandmas got to see that baby.

But enough of me. Enjoy some of the many pictures we took.

On our way out. Kaaryn took the picture of Salem and me. She screamed through the entirety of the plane's descent. (Salem was no joy either).


Grandma! She's like mom, but with patience.


"But I got a baby for Christmas last year."


I had dropped my keys somewhere in Snowflake. Shane thought a high vantage might produce results.


From baldest to most hair: Salem, Rigley, Adilyn, Cierra.



It was great to see all of the guys:

Hoss was there. . .



. . . Nolan was there . . .



. . . Saleem was there . . .



. . . Benny was there . . .



. . . Even little Scotty was there.



You might have noticed everyone in the same outfit. It's not that we were trying to get beat up (that usually finds a way of taking care of itself). We did family pictures with the Palmers one day and with the Brimhalls another day.

Here's one from the Palmers:

. . . One Grecian Urn . . .



Here's one from the Brimhalls:



Now that Kaaryn is a mother, she has assumed the proper role on vacations:



"Thank you. I'll be here all weekend."



I was actually drinking the water.



"So I says to him, I says, breast milk, formula, they're all the same in my diaper."



Getting the plane home. She vomited on us three different times on the plane. She was reaching down deep toward the end. I'm pretty sure some of that stuff was past the point of no return, if you know what I mean. You gotta be pretty sick to vomit something that, seconds ago, was nigh to your sphincter.



Safe at home with Dad and Big 'Mo

We have safely returned from Phoenix. I am preparing a fairly long post that will fill everyone in on our trip. In the meantime, enjoy some thought-provoking satire:

A Christmas Letter from the Palmers


Yesterday, we got a Christmas card from the Dababnehs. It made me realize that we didn’t make any kind of Christmas document. So I will give a Christmas blog recount of our year.

Thunderdome called: they're missing a coat.


If calendars were not so ubiquitous, I would call this a long year. Much has happened: we chose a grad school, bought our first house, moved to Texas, Salem turned one, I managed to finish my first semester of grad school, and, let‘s not forget, I ate spaghetti for lunch yesterday. In all, I would call it a full year. Kaaryn and I have both worked like crazy all year.

Salem, doing her best Uncle Fester impression, on her first birthday.



We have also been busy with our church callings. Kaaryn is in the Primary Presidency, which is to say that she coordinates the teaching of children under the age of 12. I teach seminary at 5:50 AM two days one week and three days the next. I would include a picture of my class, but you can only see the tops of their heads at that hour. We are teaching the New Testament this year, which makes it easy on me.


These days Kaaryn is working for Maxim Healthcare. She does home health for sick children. She gets to work with the same people every week. She used to have to go to different houses every day. She likes the stability of knowing with whom she will work. I have really enjoyed working on Descant, the creative writing Journal published by TCU. It’s my job to read all of the fiction submissions and pass along whatever I think has merit. The whole outfit is run by three people. But I love the work and am very glad to pay my way through school with this. We will publish our journal in May, at which point anyone interested in quality fiction and poetry can pick one up for something like $12. I will keep everyone posted.

We were all working in the yard. One guess as to who was eating dirt (the answer may surprise you).


I was actually standing on my head in this one.



Salem is a joy, whenever she is not teething. When there is a tooth coming through, watch out. Otherwise, she is getting more and more independent. She spends her time crawling around and getting into trouble, kind of like Nero, but without animal costumes. She does a little bit of talking. Kaaryn swears she says “dog.” It sounds more like “Trojan Football” to me, but I could be mistaken. Most of you will see her very soon.

Salem last Christmas:


Salem this Christmas:


Next year should be much more of the same. School for me. Work for Kaaryn. Poop for Salem. Thanks for reading the blog. We will update when we return from Arizona. In the meantime, merry Christmas!

The dogs. Mojo weighed in at 78 pounds last week.

School is out, for now. I had a lot of work to finish in the last month. I just turned in about 75 pages worth of papers I've written for the end of the semester. I figure that I read all or part of about 25 books, and all of about 30-40 academic articles this semester. I plan on taking it easy for the next three weeks.

I thought, since I have been so bad about blogging as I was finishing the semester, I would make peace with the blogging world by sharing a little secret: I have recorded my entire life on video. Since I have been talking about school in this post, I will share a few videos from this semester.

I took a theory class this semester. We studied a range of literary theories. I have some segments from some of our classes. We began the semester with a study of Marxist theory:




A bit later, we did Feminist theory. I will admit, this one made me a bit nervous:



I also took a class that teaches students how to be good Administrators:



We all had that professor that was way too into the 60's. I'm afraid that I had that guy this semester:



And finally, I attended the convocation ceremonies. Something about this left me just a little unsettled:



I will get back soon.

Forgive my lack of blogging! I mean it. I have three large research papers due next week. I have been busy and uninteresting. Next week, I will blog better. In the meantime, enjoy some positive press for Pit Bulls.




I couldn't help but notice that they never mentioned the breed. And the hard head thing is quite true.

See you all in a week.

Happy Birthday to you....

We celebrated Salem's birthday last night and wanted to share some pictures. Because I work long hours I missed her actual birthday, but it worked out perfect because her grandparents could watch her open gifts and eat her birthday cake on-line last night.

As you can see she did have presents but really just wanted to talk on the phone


Salem just wants to be like daddy








Mojo helping with the clean up


All Clean?

Notice anything different about this baby?

She's one today. And you know what that means. . . only 17 more years until she's out of here! Then Kaaryn and I can pursue our dream of traveling the country on motorcycle and heckling Carrot Top at each and every one of his lousy performances.

I remember the day Salem was born. Mostly because I got to skip class. (Who says children only take?) But anyway, it was an unseasonably cool November 20^th in Phoenix, a brisk 80 degrees, if I recall. Kaaryn went in for a checkup and the Doctor insisted on inducing her, since it was very difficult to reschedule the Doctor's tee-time that weekend. Kaaryn called me while I was in class and left a voicemail asking me why I always left the car such a mess, and added that she was in labor. Since I was an English major, I had no car of my own. I called my Mom and ate Samurai Sam's while I waited for her to pick me up. If there is one thing about that day that has changed me forever, it is this: my chicken was quite dry, and the only remedy available was an overly salty soy sauce, the likes of which scar me to this day.

Salem was born at Paradise Valley Hospital. (Contrary to the myth, the bedpans are not solid gold in Paradise Valley. They are only gold plated and can be used as currency at most Jiffy Lube locations.) Kaaryn was not in labor very long. After having contractions for a couple of hours, and once coming quite near to punching the nurse, Kaaryn told the nurse she felt like she had to go to the bathroom. This is the great thing about being in labor: I tell Kaaryn many times a day about going to the bathroom, both before and after, both of the necessity and of the experience. But when you're in labor, people don't roll their eyes at you or turn up the volume on the TV. The nurse took a look at things, and surely enough, there was the top of Salem's bald head. Next thing you know, Salem is swaddled and screaming. It really seems like child birth is one of the more easy experiences of a woman's life. Seriously, who hasn't known a woman who could birth 8 children like that! but can't change a spare tire, or program a learning remote? (You can leave hate mail by clicking on the comments section.)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Salem. It's fun to see how animated she is getting. She talks now. She has a vocabulary of about three words, or roughly the equivalent of local news. Her best word is “kitty.” Which at its best sounds like “Z Z” and at its worst most closely resembles certain dialects of Sanskrit. She is also a crawling fool. She has this sprint crawl where she gets going pretty fast. But before she can sprint she has to shout some sort of baby battle cry. We're not sure of it's a shout of joy, followed by a crawl toward the object of that joy, or if it's more akin to what a weight lifter does before heaving an Olympic-sized load over his head. It is enjoyable though.

It's been a good year with baby. We love her and wouldn't trade her for anything less than one of the non-leper Hawaiian islands. We got another camera, so enjoy some pictures.

The Blair Witch shot. Anyone remember that?


Salem gets fresh with Roxanne.



And gets a birthday kiss from Mojo.


Happiness in the crib.


Here is Salem showing off her elocution. You have to listen pretty closely, but she keeps saying "kitty" repeatedly.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
NOVEMBER 12, 2004



I LOVE YOU!


P.S Happy Birthday Scotty! We love and miss you very much!