School has started again. In anticipation of not being able to post as frequently as I would like, I am resurrecting an old favorite: The Shallow Thoughts. A word about these. These are the product of much boredom. I used to drive a jumbo, beat-up, old flatbed truck out to the sticks and sell hay to passersby. I had a lot of downtime on the job, so I amused myself by writing these. These are all Matt Palmer originals but for one (I'll let you guess which one that is). This was all done about five years ago. I've narrowed it down to 159 Shallow Thoughts from the original 250. These should hold everyone for the time being.

1. Next time I go on a blind date I don’t want my friend to tell my date that I’m really nice. I want my friend to tell my date that I’m really hot, but the biggest jerk alive. That way, if my date shows up, I can be pretty sure that she’s looking for action.
2. If I was a butcher I wouldn’t sell the choicest cuts of meat for a living. I would be an investment banker and use butchery strictly as a means of intimidation.
3. 4 out of 5 dentists will approve anything. I bet the fifth dentist is a prickly old man who keeps to himself, and remembers the good old days when families shared a toothbrush, and when a tooth was sore he would pull it out. I bet he uses words like “newfangled,” and “whippersnapper.” He probably thinks his colleagues are too easily impressed.
4. If it was my job to police The Police I think I would call myself Super Citizen, or The Man’s Man, or maybe even Sting. Then people would know what’s up.
5. I think public opinion is fickle. Oh, you’re right, it’s not.
6. The majority of people are minorities. I still can’t into a good Grad school.
7. If I disagree with someone, I have a 50% chance of being right, but if that person is stupid, I’d make it more like 60/40.
8. A lot of people think that death is scary, but not me. I think that clowns are scary, because you can only die once, but the circus comes to town every July.
9. If I was an animal, I would be a bear, because no one has ever said “no,” to a bear that told them to be quiet during a movie.
10. Smiley faces are ridiculous. If my head was round, and I had no hair, nose, or ears, I would not be so happy.
11. I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could give it to some guy who wished he had a million dollars.
12. I know a guy with a superfluous third nipple. But I think that everyone’s wrong, people should have four nipples, and my friend is just one less nipple in the hole.
13. If I robbed a bank, I wouldn’t say, “Put the money in the bag,” or, “Stick ’em up.” I would say, “I would like to way overdraw my account.” That way, if the FBI caught me, I could tell them the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.
14. People think that carneys are creepy. What’s so creepy about a smelly man that travels from town to town ripping off children at a ring-tossing game, sleeps in a trailer, wears eye shadow, carries a gun, and has sex with a bearded lady?
15. One of these days I’m going to give procrastinators a piece of my mind.
16. If I owned a trucking company, I wouldn’t call it “Matt’s Trucking,” or, “Big Daddy M’s Trucking,” I would call it, “Get the Hell Out of My Way Trucking.” That way people would know what to expect.
17. A lot of people think it’s wrong to eat animals, but it’s okay to eat fish because fish don’t have any feelings. I think fish do have feelings. If you could hear a fish’s thoughts they would sound something like, “It sure would make me happy if someone ate me,” or “I will be so sad if I don’t get eaten today.”
18. Science says that water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius. I think they’re wrong. I think water doesn’t freeze at 0 degrees Celsius.
19. Sometimes I wander why everyone thinks I’m crazy. But then I remember that not everyone has bugs beneath their skin, and knows that eating the dung from a silverback gorilla gives you magical powers.
20. Skateboarding is not a crime. Unless you’re using it as a getaway vehicle after kidnapping a senator’s daughter.
21. People who think that cartoon violence doesn’t hurt anyone are wrong, because right now in Singapore, there is a cartoonist with a killer cramp in his drawing hand.
22. People who put bumper-stickers on their cars are stupid, because sooner or later they are going to pick the wrong candidate.
23. If I owned a slot machine I would call it “Nostalgia.” Then old ladies could put pennies in and remember when you needed a nickel or a quarter to play the slots.
24. I think that instead of cash, banks should carry accordions. That might get people to start saving their money.
25. If videogames were outlawed they would be replaced by something parents hate just as much. Like spending time with their children.
26. Whenever someone tells me to “have a good one” I pretend that “one” means year, and not day. That way, I can be happy for a long time.
27. Sometimes I wonder if my cell phone’s on vibrate, or if I am sitting way too still.
28. When asked if a girl’s looks matter I reply, “Only if she’s ugly.”
29. I don’t like to call it going bald. I think that forehead globalization is a much better term.
30. I always wondered why dogs like to pee on fire hydrants. Then I saw a fireman relieving himself into a box of milk bones at the grocery store.
31. The only situation I can think of when it wouldn’t be funny if someone got hit in the nuts would be if I saw it exactly as my car was breaking down.
32. If I owned a company that made signs I wouldn’t hang a sign outside of my shop that said, “Matt’s Signs,” or, “Signs of the Times.” My sign would say, “Hey, I will make you a sign in exchange for money.”
33. Smart people estimate that 9 out of 10 people are stupid. Meanwhile, stupid people estimate that 1 out of 10 people don’t like reality TV shows.
34. I wish I owned a pitchfork and a torch, because then, monsters wouldn’t think about moving anywhere near my house.
35. When I have kids, I’m not going to give them names like, “Achmad,” or “Ling-Ling,” or “Perseus.” I’m going to give them weird names like, “Bill,” or, “Tom,” or, “Suzy.”
36. I wouldn’t want to run a marathon. Unless the weather was nice, and I was about 26 miles from Disneyland, and all the lines were really short.
37. If I could wish for one thing it would be world peace. But since that’ll never happen, I wish that I could dunk.
38. If I owned a burger joint I would put the buns on the inside. That way people wouldn’t complain so much if I forgot the ketchup.
39. Somewhere in hell right now, there is a room full of rock stars’ pilots.
40. One time I went to school in my underwear. That day in Math, I dreamt I had a test.
41. If a bug’s really as scared of me as I’m scared of it, then why don’t bugs run screaming every time I go near them?
42. When a was a kid, I wanted to be a junky when I grew up, but my grades weren’t good enough. So I went to community college.
43. I think that gold would be an even more precious metal if you could eat it.
44. I wish I drove a tow truck. That would keep the miles on my car way down.
45. If I was a pirate, I wouldn’t spend all of my time chasing buried treasure. I would chase leprechauns, because as far as I know, the rainbow does not end underground.
46. If I owned a work truck, I would put a water cooler on the outside and fill it with cheap whiskey. That way, I could save the freeway bums a trip to the store.
47. I think that going to heaven is way underrated.
48. The only way I would ever become a vegetarian would be if plants learned to walk, and to do it they had to replace vegetables with muscle.
49. No opinion is less reliable than that of a cheerleader. Too many times have cheerleaders from a second place team held up their index finger as an indicator of rank.
50. If I created my own candy it wouldn’t be sweet, or sour, or sweet and sour. It would be bland. I would call it blandy instead of candy. Old people would like my blandy.
51. I think that people should replace numbers with good times. Because then, the fun would never stop.
52. If I was a bird I wouldn’t sit on telephone wires, I would sit on telephones. That way, everyone would have to give me a cracker if they wanted to make a call.
53. Since kids pass notes in English class, do they pass letters in Music class?
54. If I was a professor and I taught at a university, I wouldn’t grow a beard. That’s just what they’d be expecting.
55. If I was a fighter-pilot, I wouldn’t shoot down other planes. I would hock my jet for the most bitchen gold ring you ever saw.
56. I think that time should be abolished. That way instead of being fashionably late, people would have to be fashionably ugly.
57. If jokes made people cry would we still tell them? I think so, but only to people we hate, or that drive poorly.
58. I think that if they started calling jails, “Houses of Stabbing and Sodomy“, that might entice people to not break the law.
59. If I had big hair there is no way that I’d sit in the back row of a movie theater. Unless it was really big.
60. I would bet that the person who coined the phrase, “In the house,” was the same person who invented indoor plumbing.
61. I don’t think that getting away with murder is the perfect crime. I think that remote control theft is, because the couch always takes the blame.
62. I saw a commercial for Jack in the Box saying that they make three salads fresh everyday. If I was their fourth salad buying customer I would feel ripped off.
63. People want it to be legal for two guys or two girls to get married. Some people will do anything for a tax break.
64. I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. I think my TV is watching me.
65. It is not a good idea to play dead when being attacked by a killer.
66. I was going to buy some British speakers, but I cant stand it when the word color is pronounced with an o-u-r.
67. I went to the gym to lift weights, but someone had already picked them up and put them on the bar.
68. I had to hire a twelve inch pianist to entertain my million ducks.
69. Most people don’t know I have a tattoo because it is the exact same color as my forehead.
70. Some kid keeps stealing my car, joyriding it, then filling it back up with gas and taking the miles off of the odometer.
71. I don’t know why they bother to put urinal cakes in urinals. They just get dirty.
72. If I could have any job, it would be wallet inspector for the Yankees.
73. Most people don’t know that monkeys use the same electoral process as humans. But what we call “debates” they call “ crap fights.”
74. I think that death metal needs resuscitation.
75. If I went back in time, I wouldn’t make myself really rich, or save the world. I would tell my old self that the cup in front of the other guy has the poison in it.
76. On a scale of 1-10; 1 being the least favorable thing and 10 being the most favorable thing: I would give torture a 1.
77. Gatorade: Side effects may include greed.
78. Whenever I can’t think of anything good to say, I seem to be speaking.
79. I had a personal trainer test my strength. It was just as I expected: exactly one man power.
80. If experience has taught me anything it is that it is best to taunt athletes when they are not changing your tire.
81. Painters would be less poor if they started painting life-size portraits of $100 bills.
82. I’m going to start doing my homework in my car because I get free roadside assistance.
83. When I get old I’m not going to be like other old people, I’m going to be bitter and resentful.
84. People who owe society are called criminals. People who think society owes them, are called democrats. People who think they own society are called republicans.
85. Contrary to popular belief, PMS is not considered a biological weapon.
86. I wish I spoke Spanish. Then I could teach the Mexicans standing on the corner phrases that will help them get work like “Make love to your wife, fifty dollars?” Or “Careful, I steeaal!”
87. I think that math is a big waste of time. Especially since numbers can be written using letters.
88. I think regular people would start going to art galleries if they replaced paintings with TV’s, and conversation with beer.
89. Next time I’m arguing with a rhino, I’m going to make sure there is a tree near by.
90. I think of all the plants in the world, cacti take themselves way too seriously.
91. If there was one sentence I wish I heard more it would be, “You are the sexiest man I have ever met!”
92. Not known to most, the faucets lining bathroom walls are not strictly decorative.
93. I bet God eats a lot of pie. What other food is that hilarious when used as a weapon?
94. I hate countries that show aggressive, threatening, behavior. We should invade them next.
95. I always used to think people were calling me a “Stick-in-the-mud.” But it turns out that it just sounds a lot like “Sick-in-the-head.”
96. If your body really is the soul’s vehicle, that would explain why so many people are content to drive Suburbans, and so few prefer sports cars.
97. Next time an old man says to me “In my day, we respected our elders.” I’m going to say, “Yeah, and look where it got you.”
98. Two dollars per gallon is too much to pay for gas. Especially when it tastes like crap.
99. I used to have a job delivering Chinese food in a Jaguar. Except instead of a Jaguar, I drove a bicycle, and instead of Chinese food, I delivered cocaine.
100. Telephone poles: where more people get phone calls than any other piece of lumber.
101. I think that cars would be more stylish if they had five wheels and one axle.
102. Scientifically speaking, gossip is a liquid: It is a substance that flows when it is not contained.
103. I would be a lot happier right now if I would have known that syphilis is not a regional dialect for the sniffles.
104. I always see giant trucks drive by with forklifts on the back. If the truck is that hard to get into, they should buy a smaller vehicle.
105. I think people worry way too much about going to prison. Except for criminals, I think they worry just the right amount.
106. I think that two tractors should not be allowed to get married.
107. I always wondered what they use to translate Latin music into Spanish.
108. Next time I go to the dog track, I’m betting on a dog with four legs.
109. Doctors have a lot in common with the IRS: They both take more money than they need, and are prone to giving embarrassing probes in the coldest manner.
110. Of all the elements, water is the laziest; it only goes downhill.
111. Whoever invented candy canes must be really small.
112. I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could wish that I had a billion dollars.
113. I bet unicorns think horses look silly.
114. The pen really would be mightier than the sword, if it exploded.
115. If I lived in Detroit, I wouldn’t buy a gun. I would buy lots of guns.
116. If I was a mathematician, I would prove the age old argument: Algebra is useless to most.
117. Dentures: Side effects may include: crabbiness, short temper, unwillingness to accept new thought or technology, likelihood to complain, and nostalgia.
118. I think that the Navy has it all backwards: Water sinks in canyons of boats.
119. Birds are a bad example to children. All they do is hang around collecting grass and having sex in random, public places; they are like small town high school students.
120. Next time I buy a used car, I’m going to make sure that someone else has owned it before me.
121. Current events are alarming: It’s one hundred ten degrees out and I’m hungry.
122. Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every gay man is another homosexual.
123. Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
124. I wish pubic urinals were more like the one in my house: the kind you can shower in.
125. Wearing a mullet: side effects may include: scowl, paranoia toward government, desire to participate in an old west shootout, affinity for heavy weaponry, residence in trailer, and unpleasant odor not unlike that of maple syrup.
126. One-celled organisms have too many cells.
127. I think that Shakespeare is overrated. But if anyone was underrated, it would be Shakespeare.
128. For some reason, New Hampshire keeps mailing me sausage.
129. If I was the only ruler in a large nation I would probably have a lot of things to measure.
130. Striped shirts should make up their minds.
131. Most people don’t realize that the world is upside down because people are too.
132. If I was bald with a beard I wouldn’t ride a motorcycle, or work at a car parts store. I would wear glasses upside down over my mouth, and a fake mouth upside down over my eyes, and scare the crap out of my optometrist.
133. I love the zoo. Except when people are obnoxious . . . especially the fat ones who always tap on the glass of my cage window.
134. I don’t think there’s as much fire in hell as people think. But I bet there’s a lot of soccer.
135. Black holes are greedy.
136. Most people don’t know that chairs take a break when they think nobody’s looking.
137. I bet glaciers think we don’t live very long.
138. Everything works until you attempt to prove it to somebody else.
139. Tie dye: side effects may include: rapid uncontrollable hair growth, distaste for conservatism, tendency to watch Scooby Doo, affinity for all hemp products, and overuse of the word “Man” ranging from mild to severe.
140. I’ve never been turned down by a girl. I’m just attracted to girls who spend weekend nights washing their hair.
141. Most people don’t know that polar bears avoid the desert because sand sticks to their fur.
142. Stalin was very good at murdering people, but as far as inflicting pain goes, he was an average dentist.
143. Of all the terrible people in the world, Jerry Springer is the ugliest.
144. I think that Kung Fu movies are too violent. Except when they’re on the news, then I think they’re quite informative.
145. Any time someone says they are happy for me I say, “Come on man, I wanted to do that.”
146. If I ever left my wife I wouldn’t say, “Goodbye,” or, “I’m leaving you.” I would say, “Taller hydrogen walks the plank, matey!” That way, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what I was talking about, instead of wondering where the toaster over went.
147. I’ve never had a nickname. But if I had one, I would like it to be. “He who’s body inspires lustful thoughts.”
148. Doctors agree: 8 out of 10 statues don’t get enough exercise.
149. High-fives are the lowest form of human celebration there is. They should be replaced with something more sophisticated, like butting heads, or flashing school buses.
150. I think the South would be a better place to live if the weather was nice, and nobody else lived there.
151. People don’t realize that it’s not that clouds block the sun out from them, but that clouds block them out from the sun.
152. Traffic barricades are a lot like Deon Sanders: They are both obnoxiously dressed, and are not there for hitting.
153. I think that history is useless, but only to people that are already dead.
154. Penguins only have one mate each year. That is just one of many reasons why they make lousy basketball players.
155. I think that among food, salad is the most admired of all dishes. Everything is trying to become a salad these days. Someone should tell macaroni, potatoes, chicken, Caesar, and the rest that they are tasty enough in their original form and they should stop pretending to be their leafy brother.
156. I am so glad that 3-D glasses do not work. Lead underwear would be way too uncomfortable.
157. Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
158. If experience has taught me anything it’s that the Queen of England does not appreciate it when someone attempts to convince her they have stolen her nose by placing the tip of their thumb between their index and middle fingers.
159. I always wondered McDonald’s customers pay extra for that dude to step on their hamburger.