HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
NOVEMBER 12, 2004



I LOVE YOU!


P.S Happy Birthday Scotty! We love and miss you very much!

I thought what with all the politics in the blogosphere these days, I would see if I couldn't update myself on the state of all things political. I was able to find and interview the average Liberal and the average conservative: Sunshine Granola, and Joe Sixpack. They were both kind enough to visit with me. I have transcribed our discussions for your enjoyment.

I caught up with Sunshine Granola, the average Liberal, in my local Whole Foods store. She was distributing a petition to jail SUV owners for crimes against humanity. Here's what she had to say:

Sunshine, you must be happy with the results of this week's election.

I sure am. History has shown that someone like Obama is needed in a time of crisis.

Would you care to fill us in on this history?

Sure. Here's all you need to know about history: mankind lived in caves as domestic partners, then FDR came and regulated the economy. The End.

You have been heard to blame current economic troubles on the free market. Would you care to elaborate.

Well, when Clinton was president, he established something of a Utopia. Then Bush came, deregulated the market, and now we live in Hell.

Are there any specific acts of deregulation for which you blame Bush?

Well, you know, it was mostly the (inaudible mumbling).

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you.

Everything was great. Then Bush came into office and (more inaudible mumbling), and now everyone is worse off. It's all that laissez-fair nonsense.

And how exactly do you define laissez-fair?

It's really quite simple: laissez-fair is what Republicans do and that for which I blame them.

I can see you've thought this through. Could you please explain your views on abortion?

Sure. The government has absolutely no business with what we do with our bodies. That's why sex education is so important; so that government officials can tell us how to use our bodies. Naturally then, they should ignore the way we use them. Which is to say that they should tell us the proper way to use our reproductive capacities, knowing all along that they have no business in the way we use them. In short, the government must educate us on how to use our bodies, but has no business with what we do with our bodies.

Uh huh. Would you mind explaining your views on health care?

The government has a solemn responsibility to take care of our bodies, inside and out. There is nothing about the body or mind that should not be subject to government assistance and control.

Except, of course, the reproductive capacities.

Yea, sure. I haven't quite thought about that yet.

You have been vocal about the role of tolerance in society. Would you care to elaborate?

I think I speak for us all when I say that the one thing I simply cannot tolerate is intolerance.

Critics of the Democratic Party have noted that the 10^th amendment to the constitution doesn't allow for federal programs that are not explicitly stated in the constitution itself. How would you respond to that?

As you know, the 10th amendment was written in that nebulous part of history between primordial slime and The New Deal. Very little is known about that period other than mass starvation and general ickyness. I can tell you this much, if the 10^th amendment came from that era, we're all better off without it.

One last question: How do you respond to the criticism that your world view and philosophy, having their roots in renaissance humanism, are incapable of providing the foundation necessary to make moral generalizations, since the postmodern discourse on subjectivities disallows hierarchies pertaining to cultural emphases on morality, and you are basing your ideas off of a Judeo-Christian belief in human culpability and a Utopian ideal that assumes a level of culpability in man and yet a moral void nature, also borrowed from a Judeo-Christian tradition which you ostensibly reject?

(At this point, Granola stormed off and called me a hate-filled bigot. It concluded our interview.)

As luck would have it, I also managed to bump into Joe Sixpack, the average conservative. I found him coming out of church with his mistress (his wife being away shooting at wildlife while parasailing.)

Joe, you have expressed disappointment with the nomination of McCain. But you still voted for him. Why was that?

Running the country isn't all that hard. We really just need someone to hold down the fort until Jesus comes back and disenfranchises all of the liberals. That, and I got this email, and it said that Obama's a socialist, a Muslim, and (he whispered this) a black man. We can't have a Muslim in office. We need someone there to protect religious freedom and tolerance.

It's good to see you have a plan. You say you are against socialism? But you send your children to a socialist school system without complaining. Is there any inconsistency there?

The school system couldn't possibly be socialist; John McCain never told me to be against it.

Well said. What do you believe the role of religion should be in government?

All I got to say is, if saying you love Jesus is enough to get into heaven, shouldn't be it enough to get my vote?

You have been very vocal about your love for America. However, you have also been very vocal about your dislike for the %52 of Americans who voted Democratic this election. Is it the case that you love America halfway, or is your love for the 48% of America strong enough to overcome your animosity for the majority?

(Here Joe removed two small American flags from his pockets, crammed them into his ears and sang “God Bless America” until he saw my lips stop moving).

Welcome back. Could you explain your philosophy about governmental economic regulation.

It's really simple. The government should never, ever regulate the market. . . except for the Federal Reserve. . . the FDIC. . . the SEC, the FCC, Sarbanes-Oxley, OSHA, (here he paused to think for a moment). . . breaking up labor unions, immigration McCain-Feingold, the Community Reinvestment Act, tax breaks for home owners and other middle class tax advantages, business licenses, HMOs, certification of professionals, oh yeah and taxes, don't forget taxes . . . Shall I keep going?

I think I get the point. But aren't these things regulations?

That's impossible; McCain never told me to be against these either. Except for when McCain doesn't tell me to hate it, government regulation is bad. Welfare too.

Exactly how should one deregulate the economy?

We mostly just talk about Ronald Regan. That seems to do the trick.

Tell me more about welfare.

Welfare is immoral. It is simply wrong to take money from one person and give it to another. That's why welfare money should only be given to businesses. Unless, of course, I happen to need it. Welfare leads to crime. Bad crime, the ones that hurt middle class people like me, not good crime, like Oliver North or torture.

You see a difference between good crime and bad crime?

You betcha! Bad crime is done by people. Good crime is done by the government. You gotta have laws, but you can't expect the people that make the laws to obey them. That would be unpatriotic. The constitution may be divinely inspired, but it's still just a piece of paper, like the Bible. And, like the Bible, if it speaks against you, you just appoint a judge to tell you that it says what you want to hear.

I fail to see the difference.

(At this point, Joe reminded me that, since he was saved, he could kill me and it would make no difference. Thus ended our interview.)