An open letter the the RIAA.
To whom it may concern,
I have lived these last years in complete compliance with your request to rightfully purchase all music I own or download. I have patiently suffered as I hear all of the accounts of your pursuit of offenders, listened to your arguments without expressing my boredom, and wagged my proverbial finger at those who steal your music and esteemed them as thieves. All of this, I believe, puts me in accord with your strict desires. Now the time has come for me to make a few demands of my own, which I believe you will find to be reasonable and should not cause too much trouble for you to implement. I will list my demands according to musical genre.
Rock and Roll, including Alternative and any other applicable genres.
- I never again wish to hear the words “voices in my head,” or any variation of the words, repeated in a song. The phrase has been used far too often and has become about as clichéd as a politicians use of the word “change.” Please ask depressed and uninteresting artists to come up with a better way of failing to convince me they are mentally abnormal. In fact, to claim one hears voices has become just about the most normal thing in rock music.
- Please restrict the age of any artist singing about high school dances, parental tyranny, or any other such puerile topic, to 20. It gets really creepy to hear a 30 year old man sing about the most popular girl in school.
- Certain bands will need to add a second chord to their repertoire.
Rap Music
- Please require each artist, at least once in his career, to admit that their music does in fact affect people for good or for bad. We've all heard their argument and nobody is buying it.
- I would like if people would stop making me feel foolish for not being able to correctly pronounce your artists names. This is somewhat negotiable, but it may come off better if you consider me somewhat handicapped in the matter.
Jazz
- Thirty minutes is far too long for one song. Otherwise, Jazz musicians can go on quietly starving without any further complaint from me.
Classical
- Ordering tickets to an event should not land one's self on a telemarketer's list who calls fortnightly to request a donation. Believe me, I gave you a donation when I paid $60 to sit in the balcony next to a man with emphysema.
Country
- As much as I appreciate the living lesson on market demand, I will need a letter signed by no less than three artists explaining exactly what is so bucolic about suburbia.
- Furthermore, if this genre is to continue as the spring from which all musical patriotism flows, it will need to be proved that at least one of the artists has read the Constitution, or can at least spell Constitution.
Pop Music
- I'm afraid that I don't have room here to adequately discuss this genre. However, I would like to tour the factory where this music is produced.
Signed,
Matt Palmer
