Perhaps some bad news this time. We're a bit worried about our neighborhood after what happened yesterday. Right across the street from us, there was what appeared to be a gang initiation. A couple of guys got beaten pretty badly. I did what any self-respecting man would do. . .I hid in my house and called the police. I did, however, manage to film the whole thing on my cell phone. Here's the video. I'll warn you, it's not for the weak of stomach.

Greetings from Crowley, Texas. I'll make this post short and incoherent, since we've both been exhausted since Thursday. We have arrived safely in Crowley, which is just southwest of Fort Worth. We spent all day packing. Kaaryn and I loaded our entire storage unit ourselves, which contained the vast majority of our stuff. Kaaryn is a lot tougher than she looks. Friday, Kaaryn's dad, Shane, and I drove the stuff while Kaaryn flew to Fort Worth with Salem. Shane and I left at 5:30AM Arizona time and arrived at 11:00PM Arizona time. We made no superfluous stops. Kaaryn left 10 hours after us and arrived 4 hours before us. You gotta love air travel!

Our house was quite a mess when we got here. We've been trying to clean and settle and whatnot nonstop since Saturday, and we still have a very long way to go. So stay posted for updates. I have been getting hounded for more pictures of Salem, so this posting should get some of you off of my back.

Here we are striking a pose in front of the house. Shane made us.





Roxanne makes herself at home on the deck.





Roxanne and Athos picked up right where they left off. Here they are in the cab of the moving truck.





Salem after vomiting in her exersaucer. Note the chin.





Salem after Kaaryn told her the Dodgers won that day.



Kaaryn and Brianne took some photos of Salem and Dalton. These two are cousins, for those who don't know.


Here, Salem embraces the spirit of the South, and tries to make out with her cousin.

New York City?!

That’s right, last week my mom took me to Manhattan for my birthday and to do some family history. (I never found the infamous salsa factory of commercial fame.) We had loads of fun and did all sorts of remarkable things. Which I will prove to be true by presently remarking on them. Enjoy the pictures. I had trouble getting the formatting correct. The captions are the for the picture beneath them.

Here I am at St. Patrick's Cathedral the day before the Pope did a Mass there. He let me borrow his hat.

This is the cemetary where we were looking for our family. It was in Queens. Three million people are buried there.

This is Trinity Church viewed from Wall Street.

This is where George Washington took the oath of office.

I believe this is where the current president took the oath.

This is ground zero viewed from Trinity Church. They removed the viewing platform and put a fence around it, so you can't see it anymore.

Times Square at dusk.

The Statue of Liberty.

We went to the Museum of Natural History, which is like a zoo, if nothing moved. As you can see, things can get pretty dicey around there. We saw elephants. . .

Tyrannosauras. . .

And a Triceratops. . .

This was a filming of The Oreilly Factor.

All in all, we had good fun. Stay tuned for news on the move.

Not much has been going on of late. Our bid for the house we wanted was accepted. We opened escrow and things are looking good. Kaaryn and I have both been sick this week. Some kind of flu appears to be going around. I vomited enough to properly review a Jerry Bruckheimer film and had a fever that left me soaking wet all night. . . at least, I think that was the fever. But I felt better after about a day. Since not much has been happening, I went ahead a wrote a letter to the recording industry. Enjoy.

An open letter the the RIAA.

To whom it may concern,

I have lived these last years in complete compliance with your request to rightfully purchase all music I own or download. I have patiently suffered as I hear all of the accounts of your pursuit of offenders, listened to your arguments without expressing my boredom, and wagged my proverbial finger at those who steal your music and esteemed them as thieves. All of this, I believe, puts me in accord with your strict desires. Now the time has come for me to make a few demands of my own, which I believe you will find to be reasonable and should not cause too much trouble for you to implement. I will list my demands according to musical genre.

Rock and Roll, including Alternative and any other applicable genres.

• I never again wish to hear the words “voices in my head,” or any variation of the words, repeated in a song. The phrase has been used far too often and has become about as clichéd as a politicians use of the word “change.” Please ask depressed and uninteresting artists to come up with a better way of failing to convince me they are mentally abnormal. In fact, to claim one hears voices has become just about the most normal thing in rock music.
  
• Please restrict the age of any artist singing about high school dances, parental tyranny, or any other such puerile topic, to 20. It gets really creepy to hear a 30 year old man sing about the most popular girl in school.
  
• Certain bands will need to add a second chord to their repertoire.
  

Rap Music

• Please require each artist, at least once in his career, to admit that their music does in fact affect people for good or for bad. We've all heard their argument and nobody is buying it.
  
• I would like if people would stop making me feel foolish for not being able to correctly pronounce your artists names. This is somewhat negotiable, but it may come off better if you consider me somewhat handicapped in the matter.
  

Jazz

• Thirty minutes is far too long for one song. Otherwise, Jazz musicians can go on quietly starving without any further complaint from me.
  

Classical

• Ordering tickets to an event should not land one's self on a telemarketer's list who calls fortnightly to request a donation. Believe me, I gave you a donation when I paid $60 to sit in the balcony next to a man with emphysema.
  

Country

• As much as I appreciate the living lesson on market demand, I will need a letter signed by no less than three artists explaining exactly what is so bucolic about suburbia.
  
• Furthermore, if this genre is to continue as the spring from which all musical patriotism flows, it will need to be proved that at least one of the artists has read the Constitution, or can at least spell Constitution.
  

Pop Music

• I'm afraid that I don't have room here to adequately discuss this genre. However, I would like to tour the factory where this music is produced.
  

Signed,
Matt Palmer

I came across a video this morning on espn.com that I found hilarious. If you don't follow the NFL you probably won't find this very funny. However, if you are one of those people who has some deep and irrational hatred of athletes, you might enjoy this also. This is Chad Johnson on Sports Center showing us all the educational standards when playing for Dennis Erickson.

I apologize for the lack of update lately. Kaaryn and I have been terribly busy. But, today, we post some big news. We have made a decision on grad school and made an excursion to shop for houses. We decided on Texas Christian. They offered us the best funding package, but that wasn’t the deciding factor. I think that TCU is probably the best match for my educational interests. Kaaryn really wanted to move to Fort Worth. So everybody couldn’t be more excited. I won’t bore you with more details on the educational side of things.

We got back late last night from Fort Worth. We drove. It was 14.5 hours each way. These are probably the fourteen most boring hours one could spend in a car. I couldn’t put into words how ugly southern Arizona, southern New Mexico, and West Texas are, but this picture I took at the Fort Worth Zoo should give you a pretty good idea.



We shopped for houses and made an offer on one. We haven’t heard any word yet. We’ll let you know. However, we found time to go do a couple of fun things. The picture below is from Trinity Park. It is a very nice park right on the Trinity River.



This is downtown Fort Worth from Trinity Park.




Here are a bunch of shots from the zoo. This gorilla is doing his Marlon Brando impression.



This Meerkat is famous for being involved in the Watergate scandal. In fact, I believe most members of the mongoose family vote republican.



This is actually a black tiger with white stripes.



We caught this bear on his break. He spends most of the day handing out towels in the men's room.



This being Texas, Salem would not have been the first baby that gator tasted.



We went downtown for dinner that night. Fort Worth has a really cool entertainment district downtown. This picture was taken right down there among the highrises. All of the buildings on the ground floor are restaurants and shops.



This is the historic courthouse downtown.



Stay posted for more updates soon.

This last week may go down as the greatest week since Kaaryn and I were spliced. This week we took the leap and purchased an Xbox 360 and Rock Band. For those of you unfamiliar with Rock Band, I will explain. Rock Band is a lot like singing Karaoke, but with no cocktails or Japanese business men. To play Rock Band, one takes a toy guitar, which has five button and a strum bar, and presses buttons while strumming the bar. The television then rolls notes at the player who is expected to play said notes on the toy guitar with a look of pain and consternation on their face, but an ineluctable feeling of pride and accomplishment within their souls. There is also a drum set. The drum set has four pads and a bass pedal. Drums work the same way as the guitar with two differences: 1. The drums must be struck and not strummed. 2. Replace the look of pain and consternation with an open mouth and a look of stupor. The false sense of pride and accomplishment remain. To top it all off, Rock Band also includes a mircrophone which one uses to sing to the music and play like a cowbell on occasion. When singing, the software measures one’s timing and pitch, so anything less than a person’s A game, will be met with derision by the virtual fans in the game software. In short, pushing buttons hasn’t imbued ordinary folk with this much sense of power and importance since the advent of the hydrogen bomb. I highly recommend it.

Kaaryn and I have started our own band: 1.21 Jigawatts! Since we are now rock stars, we’ve had to alter our plans for the future just a little bit. I will explain.

First of all, we will have to change Salem’s name to Starlett United-Nations Palmer, both as a satire on our fellow celebrities’ names and to grease the wheels for future diplomatic appointments. Starlett will be followed by the birth of our son, Mount Rushmore, who will be accidentally named by Kaaryn when she gives birth in a drug-induced haze and mistakes our baby for a tiny stone replica of Theodore Roosevelt’s bust. (For more on Kaaryn’s planned drug abuse, see below.)

I will be accepted into a respectable graduate school. However I will drop out within the first semester because my hot temper does not lend itself to the cranky instruction of veteran professors known to me as “the man.” I will burn the educational bridge by doing something legendarily outlandish such as defecating on the dean of students’ desk, or attending church weekly. This, however, will give Kaaryn and I more time to focus on our band and our upcoming gig that will see us banned for life from Branson, Missouri for my controversial onstage remarks about the mayor and “his (expletive) parking tickets.” The free publicity will only serve to further our careers.

Kaaryn, meanwhile, plans to develop a terrible heroin addiction and a hidden love/hate relationship with limes. By the time of the birth of Mount Rushmore she will have entirely lost control of herself and will be arrested for nibbling on our only son after placing him between two large slices of rye bread to make what police and hipsters call a “California Cheeseburger.” We regain custody of Starlett and Rushmore after a short stint in rehab.

Just after rehab, we release our first album: “Flux Capacitating.” “Flux,” as we call it, shoots to #1 thanks in large part to the hit satirical ballad “I love you like I love Fresca.” I, however, begin to fall apart because of my jealously for Kaaryn’s success as a songwriter and her status as band front man and officially file for band breakup the day before we are supposed to play Carnegie Hall. I am granted custody of our children and most of the roadies.

After both of our solo careers go nowhere, we reunited for a failed album entitled “One More Chance to Hate.” The failure of the album marks the death of 1.21 Jigawatts!. Nobody notices. Once we are released from jail after a failed robbery of a high school teacher’s lounge, we each attend Bible college and start nondenominational ministries in separate states. Kaaryn’s church will be named Rock! Of God. And mine will simply and forthrightly be called I Will Preach to You for Money.

And then, in 2009. . .

This photo has nothing to do with Rock Band. We just thought everyone would enjoy it.

Staying consistent with my policy of giving credit where it is due, I have to thank Alyssa of Alysstu (Stewie and Alyssa) for giving me the idea of making this posting. For Stewie’s birthday, she wrote a number of things she likes about him. Since Kaaryn’s birthday is the 20th, I thought I would share 25 things I like about her in no particular order, this being her 25th birthday. For my 26th birthday in April, however, I plan on posting 260 things I like about myself (which, believe it or not, I already have composed and can be found in a laminated card in my wallet at all times). Stay tuned for that one. As for now, happy birthday Kaaryn.






25. When I’m on the phone with Kaaryn and I have to whisper on my end, she whispers on her end.

24. Kaaryn is supportive of anything that is important to me.

23. Right after, or just before, I do anything stupid, Kaaryn says “Babe” in such a way as to end any doubt in my mind.

22. Kaaryn is a wonderful mother.

21. Kaaryn treats our dog the way a sycophant treats his boss.

20. Kaaryn can drive a stick shift very well.

19. Kaaryn never focuses on material things: she never compares our situation with that of others, she rarely buys clothes, doesn’t lust after cars or large houses.

18. Kaaryn doesn’t get mad at me when I accuse her of losing whatever I’m looking for at the time. (It’s actually my fault about 99% of the time, but, man, that 1% is sweet!).



17. Whenever I rant about something for the 50th time, Kaaryn usually acts like she has never heard that particular rant before. (I’m beginning to suspect this requires less acting than previously thought).

16. Kaaryn works for a summer camp for people with various kinds of disabilities and it’s obvious how much she cares for all of her “campers.”

15. Kaaryn is nearly the malcontent that I am.

14. Kaaryn spends a lot of time doing very nice things for people: she has spent countless hours scrapbooking decades of pictures for her grandmother, she is beginning to donate milk to AIDS babies, she married me, etc.

13. She convinced me, after years of debate, that it is indeed funny when someone falls down.

12. Kaaryn hates Valentine’s Day, and the commercialization of Christmas.

11. When we do our haunted house, Kaaryn gets really stressed out making everything perfect, yet refuses to accept anything less than her best.

10. Kaaryn loves to watch College Football and is beginning to know a good deal about it.




9. Kaaryn never hesitates to disagree with me.

8. Kaaryn and I work at the same place and she’s better at my job than I am.

7. Kaaryn is very talented at decorating.

6. Kaaryn loves to play Rock Band and is considering tackling the drums next.

5. Kaaryn throws a baseball very well and enjoys playing catch.

4. Everybody goes to Kaaryn to talk about important things.

3. Kaaryn’s well-grounded nature is the perfect thing to balance my aloofness and idealism.

2. Kaaryn hates chick flicks and all other forms of treacle.

1. Kaaryn still hasn’t realized she married far beneath herself.




Happy birthday Kaaryn!

If I sound impatient in this entry, it’s because I just made the play list you hear. Had I known how troublesome those things are, you’d be reading a review of my favorite cartoon strips. I thought it would be good to do 15 songs you’ve probably haven’t heard, but I could only find 8 I wanted to put here. The classical selection was paltry, the rock and roll embarrassingly mainstream. So here we are: 10 songs that you might like that you’ve probably never heard. I had to stick to better known bands for the most part due to the lack of depth on that website.

Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble-- Little Wing

This is one of favorite tunes of all time. I think it captures everything that made Stevie Ray so great: virtuosity and passion.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience-- Hear My Train a Comin’

This is some of my favorite guitar work. It actually sounds like a train.

Metallica-- Whiskey in the Jar

A very cool cover song. I was debating whether I should add this song or Astronomy from the same album. This song starts faster, so I chose it to save you the trouble.

Jonnie Lang-- Lie to Me.

Disclaimer. Kaaryn hates this guy’s music. She thinks it’s melodramatic. I think it’s. . .passionate? Either way, this guy was 15 when this album was released. He sings and plays the guitar.

Thais-- Meditation

One of the most relaxing tunes you’ll find. Absolutely beautiful.

Megadeth-- Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying?

Of the many anthems for malcontents, this one is the best. I think Mustaine is the best song writer heavy metal ever saw, perhaps rock and roll ever saw. This may not be his best social criticism, but it shows his style and his attitude and is a fun romp through disaffection.

Bush-- Warm Machine

I just like this song. It’s from the “The Science of Things” failure of an album.

Bruch-- Violin Concerto #1

I wanted to put Brahms’ concerto for violin and cello, 3rd movement, but I couldn’t find it. However, this is really good stuff.

The White Stripes-- Death Letter

Fancy guitar work. Perhaps the most fun you'll have listening to an account of the death of a loved one. . . well, outside of the circus.

Led Zeppelin

The odds of you having heard this song before are actually pretty good, if you're over 30. But I still think there's a good chance you'll like it.

To all of the no content, blogging low-lives constantly pestering me for more pictures, more pictures (Kaaryn), this is your lucky day. We blessed Salem this Sunday at church. It went well. This posting will be just about all pictures. To make up for it, my next posting will be a book review or something like that. I'll even put some pictures from Christmas just to make it worth your while.

Let's take a vote. Kaaryn says my face doesn't constitute a smile. I disagree. You be the judge.

This is Salem just after my quip about sandwiches.

Two out of the three that peed on the carpet that day.

This one has Nolan and Missy and the Martineaus. If you look closely, you can see Penny hiding behind us.

Salem, advertising her new fragrance.

Penny inspects Salem for size and freshness.

Wendell shows Salem the highway to the danger zone.