I make it a principal not to be persuaded by mob action. However, since this all occurs online and I am unable to punch the noisiest one of our readers, (which, I have been made to understand, is the way to go about breaking up a mob or a peewee soccer game) I will submit myself to the cry of the people and update everyone on Salem.

For those of you unaware, on November 20th I became the father of more than civil malcontent. As of now, Salem is 15 days old. We’ve been able to get to know her a bit by now. The consensus is that she looks like me. I couldn’t tell. I just thought that she looked like Robert Redford in the 1970s, so I guess that makes everybody correct. There are other ways to tell that she turned out just like her old man. The most clear evidence is that we have all of the same favorite things: sleeping, eating, and Kaaryn. Salem is quite partial to Kaaryn. I get to hold her for about five minutes before she starts crying and fussing and calling me what I’m sure are all sorts of mean and nasty things and asking me to let go so she can hold Salem. Salem, on the other hand, gives me about 10 minutes before she cries.

Salem has been sleeping pretty well at night. At least, that’s what I’ve heard; I’ve been sleeping great! Kaaryn has been a real trooper as I finish the semester and have been unable to pull my share of the parenting load. But don’t judge me, it’s temporary.
There’s not much to say about Salem at this point. We have, however, made some keen observations as to the nature of her fussing. What we’ve discovered is that there are several types of crankiness that accompany her infantile fits. They follow:

First, there’s Blanky Cranky: Blanky Cranky occurs when Salem is not wrapped tightly enough or when she is in any way unsatisfied with her dress or accouterment. Blanky Cranky is visible when she becomes restless and begins kicking at her blanket and crying. There is minimal redness in the facial area, and screaming is kept to rolling murmur.

Then, there is Stanky Cranky: Stanky Cranky is rather self-explanatory. This kind of cranky usually follows a moment of silence, wherein Salem goes cross-eyed and clenches both fists tight enough crack walnuts. The silence is then broken by crying and other accompanying noises. The crying reaches its peak during the necessary changing of the diaper, but is usually drowned out by the crying of her father.

The next kind of cranky is the most frequent: that is, of course, Dranky Cranky. Dranky Cranky happens about every two to three hours when Salem is hungry. Dranky Cranky is accompanied by extreme fidgeting, redness of the face from screaming, and an oral motion that is best described as a wet spaghetti noodle bent into an O and held out of a car window on the freeway.

The final form of crankiness we’ve noticed is none other than Rank Cranky: Rank Cranky occurs when anyone other than Kaaryn has been holding Salem for more than 5 minutes. This can be identified when Salem opens her eyes, yells, holds out her tiny middle finger and inquires about the whereabouts of her mother. There is only one known cure.

I hope any future parents find this information useful. Enjoy the pictures.