A Short and Banal Collection of Experiences

2009-05-11T07:56:00.001-05:00

I moved the blog to wordpress.

You can get to it here: shortandbanal.wordpress.com

2009-05-09T06:22:00.013-05:00

Well, school's out for the year. I finished everything on Wednesday and I still have those momentary flashes of guilt when I find myself enjoying life. You know those moments, when that little voice that tells me whenever I'm doing something wrong--Kaaryn--says "shouldn't you be working right now instead of having fun?"

Anyway, my next big task is the LSAT. I posted a while ago and declared my intentions to apply to law school. In that post I said that I would blog about my preparations for applying. I meant it. Allow me to begin with a bit of a confession. I am a little nervous about this. I have become somewhat accustomed to succeeded in matters academic. And thus I have gained what some might call a touch of ego (not an unhealthy Kobe Bryant/ Jenna Maroney cosmic narcissism, more of a Clubber Lang aversion to failure without the toughness or blackness). Therefore, I find myself tempted to hold back in case I come short of my stated goals. However, my friend Teresa recently went through a very serious medical ordeal and blogged about it with honesty and candor. Somewhat inspired by her ability to blog, I figure to just go for it and give a full account of how things go for me.

So I will say this, I take the LSAT on Monday, June 8. My minimum goal to score is 170, about the 98th percentile. My goal for an optimal score is 175, about the 99.7th percentile. Why not aim high? One can purchase all of the LSAT tests of yesteryear. I have about 25 actual tests to take. I've taken full tests before. But to do so, I had to take them throughout the day, portion here and there. I once managed to score a 176, but that was not in one sitting. So I started my studying by retreating to the Crowley public library and taking a full, timed test. I was disappointed and scored a 164. That's not really that good. And what really burns me up is that I didn't do that well on the reading portion.

When I practiced previously, I was able to get the whole of the reading portion correct. This time, I sucked. This has disappointed me somewhat. But I have a month to work on it. It is also clear that I need to work on the deductive reasoning portion.

Anyway, I'll quit boring everyone with this. I'll think of something fun to post soon. And I'll keep everyone updated on the studying and what not.

2009-04-23T09:00:00.002-05:00

It is a little known secret that I like to tell jokes. So when I took a creative writing class this semester that required me to write poetry it was only natural that I should use the opportunity to tell a joke or two. I am not a huge fan of poetry and do not consider myself a poet. So I came up with some ways to stretch the genre of the "prose poem" a bit. Here is my latest. Fear not, those of you who dislike poetry. I think you will find this rather un-poetic.

A Discourse on Depantsing

Of all the sophmoric pranks, the depantsing is funniest. Perhaps this is because nobody gets hurt. There is no mess to clean up. Nothing gets broken, except, of course, the occasional torn belt loop or stretched waist band. However, the depantsing is fully capable of delivering a crushing blow to one's dignity.

At first glance, the depantsing is simple. Sneak up to someone, and force their pants down. But there is much to it. One sneaks up the victim, arms outstretched at the shoulders, hands open, like Frankenstein's monster but with a devious grin. And then, just like that! A swift and forceful tug. The pants come down. The victim thrusts his hips away from the perpetrator, his back bending backward, contorting his body into the shape of a “C” and shouting something profane. This is the depantsing.

But the crafty depantser cannot stop planning here. He must plan for contingencies. Suppose the underwear comes down. This places his face dangerously close to naked butt cheeks and skin could graze (and a savvy victim might realize the potential for swift and decisive reprisal by just these means). Then there is the possibility of insufficient droppage. For a depantsing to be official, one must remove the pants beneath the level of underwear (it is fully understood among the lowbrow community that a victim wearing boxers will present more of a challenge to the perpetrator, however allowances are made for degree of difficulty). Plu there is always the possibility of a reactionary punch, not to mention to unspoken law that demands that such a punch be accepted as just. And finally, the ironic reality that the depanster is himself quite vulnerable to a depantsing of his own.

But one item must be made clear before discussion can continue. Let us no more debase this prank by referring to it as “pansting.” What an impoverished word this is! Pantsing is just the opposite of depantsing. Pantsing is precisely what the victim wants! He, all of us, want to be pantsed, which is to say to keep our pants over those things we believe they should be over. No, no, ours is the business of depantsing. Therefore, the proper order of this prank, as it pertains to the position of one's pants, is this: pantsing, depantsing, repantsing. Any other word will simply not do.

What exactly is it about the depantsing that makes for humor? It is a matter, not only of flouting conventions, but of forcing another to flout them. Pants, you see, are expected to reside about the waist area (with some exceptions for different cultures and use of the bathroom). Pants are not found about the knees or the ankles except in those brief moments of transition when one goes from clothed to naked. It would draw a fair amount of attention should one choose to stop their pants in any other place but the waist, for we, as a culture, have very specific expectations about the appropriate placement of the top of one's pants. The depantser uses these expectations against his victim. The victim's pants are taken from the appropriate, waist-high, level, and pulled down to a level more conducive to humor and ridicule.

The depantsing is a very homoerotic prank. However, the fear of homoeroticism is overcome by the knowledge that the male buttocks is offensive to the sight, and even bared intentionally as a prank of its own known colloquially as “mooning.” Thus, a depantsing that includes removal of any underwear, known to athletes and frat boys as the “full trau,” can be considered to have victimized, not just the person whose pants were adjusted to the humorous, culturally disapproved levels, but also anyone who witnesses the sight of man's naked buttocks. This is why the depantsing remains a strictly male prank. Any possibility of defining the act as sexual assault is lost with the general disgust that comes about when butt cheeks surface.

Thus the victim is placed into a rather awkward circumstance, finding his pants at a level wont to draw attention. He must react. The most common method is to quickly move away from the perpetrator and restore his pants to the level of their previous repose (the perpetrator will have given the victim space for reasons mentioned in the previous paragraph). Some will strike at the perpetrator out of anger with one hand, while using the other to hike up their pants at an awkward angle. This rarely works, since the victim must bend at the waist in order to reach his pants, rendering him incapable of delivering a sufficient blow to his attacker. Furthermore, the one hand he allows for pants-restoration will be insufficient for a proper and swift recovery of his dignity. Therefore, the one-handed strike is rarely attempted in a full-trau situation. There is but one way to defeat the depantser once it has become too late. For the depantsing requires at the very least a modicum of dignity in the victim. There must be something about the victim that makes him say to himself, “Self, I have noticed, although I've never heard it said explicitly, that pants should be fastened about a certain level, the waist level, and, by gosh, I aim to comply with this!” Without this, there is no joke. Therefore the man who defeats the depantsing is he who, having found his pants involuntarily strapped around his ankles, leaves them there for a time and asks of everyone around just what the big deal is.

2009-04-16T20:36:00.005-05:00

Thursday. Palmer household. Night.

Tonight, Kaaryn went to her book club. Salem protested. The door you see is the door to the garage.

Don't worry. She recovered just minutes later.

2009-04-15T09:45:00.006-05:00

Today Matt is 27! For his birthday this year, I decided that I would collect stories about Matt from family and friends, and put them all together into one book. Now this was no easy task, but my nagging skills came in handy (Matt tells me I have improved). I was able to get it together while Matt was teaching seminary at 5am. He read the stories and I heard much laughing.

Thank you everyone for your stories! If I missed anyone or you still have a story, email them to me at kaarynpalmer@gmail.com and I will put them in. We want to keep adding so it is never too late.

There are 2 stories which I want to include on our blog. The first is from Matt's brother, Nolan, who I had to threaten with love songs (because I thought it would shame him into it) and Stewie Foust, who is a friend of Matt, and his story has much less poop than the first.

WARNING! This story contains funny jokes about poop. If you are eating dinner you might want to wait (I am talking to you Saleem!)

From Nolan:

Kaaryn asked us to write down our favorite “Matt stories,” so I figured since it’s a gift to you I might as well write it as if I was talking to you. Before I begin with the story I will make a request that you don’t think of correcting my grammar or punctuation. I write criminal reports, not novels, so please don’t give me grief. Unless you want a punch in the face and if so please advise.

My story is about the time when you came to work with me at Capitol for those two magical weeks. Fortunately for you that was all, but for me the nightmare continued on for several months. We had previously discussed that you would come to my house in the morning and leave your car there so we could drive to work together. You wanted to carpool because it was more logically sound to use one car instead of two but I think you were using you economic and ecologic sensitivity as a front to cover your cheapness. There I said it, you’re cheap and everyone knows it. I wish I was but look who I married.

When you arrived in the morning the first thing you said to me was “I have to poop so bad.” I offered you the use of my toilet so you could take care of the poop that was so bad it required an announcement but you refused and said you could wait until we got to work. You continued to mention the poop several times before we actually left my house and I figured that if the poop was this bad it was probably fully cooked and would come flying out of there but you insisted that we leave for work.

Once we hit the road and started driving westbound on the 202 north freeway we began to chit-chat about random topics but you would occasionally interrupt the conversation to let me know that there was still poop in you that was begging for air. At that point we had made a commitment to get to work on time and we both agreed you could still make it there without accident. I believe that if we would have been in some cheesy, predictable, Hollywood summer blockbuster it would have been the moment when they zoom out to show my car driving on the freeway from a bird’s eye view with some ominous orchestra work playing in the background. As if the audience couldn’t figure out from the dialogue that you were going to straight-up mess those drawers to the point of no return.

As we passed under the 101 overpass you suddenly thrust your hips into the air and yelled “Nolan, pull over. I don’t care where.” I argued that I was unfamiliar with the area and wasn’t sure where I should pull over and you desperately replied in a high pitched squeaky voice “Anywhere!” The first exit I had available was at Scottsdale Rd in Tempe (ironically where I now work.) I exited northbound and pulled into a Jack in the Box parking lot on Scottsdale Rd and Curry Rd. I kid you not as soon as the car was going less than ten miles per hour you jumped out and took off running towards the entrance to the restaurant. In all you haste you neglected to see that no lights were on in the restaurant and a group of homeless men were sleeping at the front door. But either way that didn’t stop you from grabbing onto the front door handle and pulling on it with you whole body in desperation. The question I have is if you were able to break that door open would you still be able to concentrate enough to poop knowing you had just committed a crime? Or was the poop so cooked that there was no concentration required?

After you had come to the realization that you were not going to get you then turned, ran in front of my car, got on your tippy toes and yelled “I’m pooping my pants!” You yelled it out several times, enough to wake up the homeless sleeping in front of the restaurant. I imagine the bums were thinking to themselves “This is the best dope I’ve ever had. I need to find that dealer, kiss him and pay whatever he wants to get some more.” It’s not everyday that you find a white guy in business casual attire yelling out that he defecated himself at four in the morning. I think it was a first for everyone involved.

Once you finished the announcement you got back into my car, hips still thrust forward out of consideration for my upholstery (which I appreciated,) and we headed northbound on Scottsdale until we could find an open gas station. A Shell station was the first we found and you ran inside trying to find a bathroom. Unfortunately they kept the bathroom locked, forcing you to go to the front desk and frantically explain you needed the key. You should have seen that! You were wildly waiving your arms and your sense of urgency caused the attendant to panic so he couldn’t focus and find the key. Eventually he gave it to you and you ran back into the bathroom. At that point I was glad you had gone out of sight because I couldn’t breathe from laughing so hard. I was to the point where I was dry-heaving and getting dangerously close to vomiting if I didn’t stop soon.

Five minutes later you returned, undies in hand, defeated by the poop you said you could handle. Personally I believe that poop heard you inside your intestines and took it as an insult to his size and strength, deciding at that moment you would pay for your lack of faith. If my memory serves me well you didn’t go home to change after the poop but instead decided to fly Han Solo, a gutsy move that could have ended in disaster. So there you are a good “Matt story.” Don’t spend it all in one place.

From Stewie:

Matt is a very gifted writer. Anyone who knows him well is aware of this fact. While I was on my mission, I received many well-written and humorous letters from Matt that were a welcome escape from some of the stress and pressure of missionary work. The only problem with Matt's letters is that he would tend to neglect including the important stuff. Of all the information he could have sent, his letters would include things like a story about kids that dress as James Dean and rob elderly women. My favorite letter was one in which Matt said "Oh by the way, did I tell you I got married" (I wasn't even aware he was seeing anyone) "anyway, here are 100 random thoughts I've been writing for the last few months." Though highly entertaining, Matt's letters were chock-full of irrelevant information. But in the end isn't that the information that is truly relevant? The answer is no.

Happy birthday Matt! You are a great friend and we only wish there were more of you to go around.

Yours always,

Stewie

2009-04-11T12:09:00.011-05:00

Easter picture bonanza!

I know I've been neglectful of late. I make no apologies. It's crunch-time for school, so I'll get right down to business. (Teaser: I'm working up some humor for a soon-to-be post. Check back.)

Today we had an Easter egg hunt for church. Salem was able to do this for the first time. We took pictures and video. Enjoy.

There is a learning curve on egg hunting.

I am afraid how all of this might translate in the backyard. The dogs have been known to leave prizes, if you know what I mean.

Some video. Notice how she clings to Kaaryn's pants like those eggs are dangling over a cliff.

"I can't wait to eat that bunny!"

Check out the hairdo.

"This egg tastes like crap."

Salem and her friend Katie making up after the customary pre egg hunt punch for strategic advantage.

Looks cute. . . but that's not candy.

This event was held at a lake that is less than half an hour from our place. Here is another panoramic picture courtesy of Windows Live Photo Gallery. Click on it to enlarge.

Bonus double post!

Just when you thought (hoped) it was over, I surprise you with a double post. I'm afraid that is about how exciting things get around here.

Anyway, Kaaryn has been terribly excited. She got a new chandelier for our dining room. I guess it's supposed to be pretty fancy. It's handmade in the US of A. These sell for $650 in the store. She got it new in box on craig'slist for $130.

Here's the old one.

The new one. To be honest, I really don't see a $650 improvement. I barely see $200.

2009-03-29T16:24:00.005-05:00

Every now and then I read a book that I really like. It just so happens that that just so happened. We were assigned the book No Other Life by Gary Young for a writing class I'm taking right now. This book is actually made up of three books that Young published separately, but the whole thing is less than 180 pages long.

This is a book of what is called prose poetry. Prose poetry is more or less what is sounds like: very short bits of prose, no lines or rhyming or anything like that. Think of a prose poem as a tiny short story that does not attempt to move through time, but rather adds depth to a particular image or situation.

This book is very, very dark. But I like how the character is able to reconcile himself with the violent and dangerous world he inhabits. Here are some samples:

This is my favorite poem from the work. It's a good example of how the character finds joy in a fallen world. This is all of page 175:

"Our life is one catastrophe after another. Disaster dogs us. I'm the luckiest man alive, and you know what that means. Earthquakes, landslides, falling trees. Wind and rain and rising waters. What the hell, we survive. The coyotes are screaming on the other side of the field; it's a strange music. The stars are out. It's lovely here, and like the world, I marry you every day."

Here's another of my favorites. This is everything on page 16:

"The baby fusses. I read a book to quiet him, and he calms. His fingers open, show a lifeline, heartline, and all the fates lurking in his flesh. He's asleep when I finish, and one hand closes in a fist around my thumb. Somewhere he learned even dreams must be tethered to the earth."

One more of my favorites. Page 140:

"When your children ask, will you always love me, say you will love them forever, and tell them what forever means. You can explain the heavens if they ask, and tell them, your bodies are made from the dust of shattered stars. But when they ask you, will I ever die, then lie to them. They're still young, and it might frighten them if you said, no."

These are somewhat more uplifting than much of the book. But this is the kind of redemption the book offers amid all of the heavy things it ponders. As it would happen, this book is available free from Google Books. Just follow this link if you're interested:

http://books.google.com/books?id=OK4_6bLRB8wC&dq=no+other+life+gary+young&printsec=frontcover&source=bl&ots=RtLgNfA7E-&sig=K-qfhHgjHuk74iVabvz55T_9AU4&hl=en&ei=x-bPSaOSOunrnQe0_ZzgCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=3&ct=result#PPP1,M1

2009-03-28T18:39:00.004-05:00

I just recently downloaded Window Live Photo Gallery. Available free here: http://download.live.com/photogallery

It has a feature that will create a panoramic photo by stitching several photos together. Here is a panoramic view of our living room. This is actually five pictures stitched spanning close to 180 degrees of our room. Click on it for a big version. I really like this software.

2009-03-26T20:03:00.005-05:00

I know I promised to keep updating our spring break projects. Well, you were a fool to trust me! But I am now getting caught up. We finished the floor, picture below.

Shane, Jace, and Jalan all came and helped with the floor. Shane brought Salem an Easter bunny. This bunny sings a song and dances and hops about, as you'll see in the video. You'll also see that Salem inherited her Grandma Jamie's courage. We'll get more pictures up soon.

Here is the finished floor. It came with a free baby.

2009-03-16T18:06:00.004-05:00

Spring break project #1. Muuuuuuulch!

We don't have too many projects planned for spring break. And, technically, this isn't even the first one. I had to replace two planks in the fence that Mojo busted out (we don't call him Big Mo for nothing).

The area in front of our house has been overrun by weeds for some time. It has five or six rose bushes that produce many roses, and of which I am very fond. Today, we dug up all of the weeds and grass and put down some red mulch. Check it out.

I like the way the mulch looks. But, I have to admit, it tasted like crap.

2009-03-15T18:33:00.004-05:00

Well, I'm coming out of the closet. The academic closet, that is. I no longer plan to pursue a PhD in Rhetoric and Composition. I don't want to get into exactly why at this point. That will be a very long post some day. Or a very short one, I haven't decided yet. For now, it suffices me to say that I think that I could find greater joy in another profession. I am still going to finish my masters in Rhet/Comp. I will finish a year from May.

I will be taking the LSAT the first Monday in June. The LSAT is like the regular SAT, except the people that take the LSAT are older, and dirtbags. Which is to say that I plan to go to law school. Why? Because I like to read and write and I love to compose arguments. And I'm a dirtbag. (I was just commenting to Kaaryn about all of the grief I gave to my Priest Quorum advisor who was a lawyer. As Admiral Tug Benson would say: “Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot.”)

I can't say where I plan to go to law school yet. I need to see how I score on the LSAT before I know who is too good for me, and who just thinks they're too good for me. However, I can tell you this: I will not be considered a resident by the Arizona universities. They will make me pay out of state tuition, and I will not be paying out of state tuition to go there, unless I really bomb the LSAT.

To be completely honest about the matter, I was not going to announce this until I had seen my score for the LSAT. If I scored poorly I was going to reconsider law school. But, at this point, I have no desire to pursue a PhD in Rhet/Comp. I'm pretty sure it's law school either way.

I thought it would be cool if I blogged the whole process of studying for the test, taking the test, applying, getting rejected, having a breakdown, and getting left by Kaaryn for a Swedish masseur named Sven. I thought it might be helpful for anyone who might be thinking about law school some day. Or anyone who wants to run off with a Swedish masseur. Or both. So I will update later in the week and talk about what I'm doing to prepare for the test (I'm a firm believer that watching televised sports is beneficial for all those about to participate in standardized evaluations).

In the meantime, here are some pictures. If you're one of those scrollers who skips all of the text, you should know that these pictures were taken in Vatican City, as we discussed above, when we won a raffle to wear the Pope's hat for ten minutes. Best ten minutes of my life!

When I told Salem that I wanted to go to law school.

She got into a container of Vicks. I have to say, she's been breathing very well since then.

She couldn't find a burlap sack or a barrel with overalls attached.

Doing her Chris Farley impression.

Kaaryn warned her. If she didn't clear her room. . .

"You're getting very sleepy. . ."

I was studying in the kitchen pretty late at night. This is what I saw when went into the living room.

2009-02-27T17:35:00.003-06:00

Forgive the polemic. If you know me, then you know that I am an outspoken advocate of the Pit Bull breed. I'll be the first to say that they get a bad rap that they don't deserve. With that in mind, I was talking to someone today who is thinking about buying a dog, and thinking about the Pit Bull. This person has a kid and was a little nervous about the prospect of their child chasing the dog and getting bit if the dog grew tired of horseplay. I said that I would post this video to show that I have no doubt about Salem's safety when she plays with Mojo.

Mojo loves kids. He is very attached to Salem, very gentle with Salem. And Salem is very attached to Mojo. Whenever other kids are at our house, Mojo never grows tired of playing with them. They chase him around and he loves it. In fact, when I was researching Pit Bulls when considering adopting one, I found that some of the qualities that make Pit Bulls great fighters actually make them great family dogs: Pit Bulls do not scare easily, and dogs bite when they are scared or when they are trained to bite; Pit Bulls have a very high pain tolerance, so they don't get defensive when a kid pokes them in the eye, pulls their tail, etc. Also, Pit Bulls are known for being very fond of adventure; they love to go new places and see new things. One of my friends takes his Pit Bull camping all of the time and the dog absolutely loves it.

However, if you have kids and want to adopt a dog, I strongly recommend adopting a puppy and not an adult. A puppy will grow up accustomed to interacting with kids. With an adult, you just never know.

Don't allow me to sway anyone into getting a Pit Bull if you don't really want one. Just don't buy into all of the BS that says these dogs are natural born killers who run about looking for children to attack. These dogs are very strong, and if they do bite, it can be nasty. But Pit Bulls are also very patient, very affectionate, very loyal to their family, and a whole lot of fun.

In this video, Salem was grooving to her favorite album and playing with Big Mo. Mojo was chewing on some denim I cut from the bottom of my pants. Salem had been taking it away from Mojo. He was a good sport and never so much as growled at her. The video is a bit long. But I didn't want to cut it when posting it with this discussion.

2009-02-24T11:46:00.013-06:00

Good Songs--Part II

If you recall, about one year ago, I did a post "Some good songs you might have not heard." I figured it might be a good time to do a sequel. Seeing as how I detest the radio, I can't promise that these songs are obscure. For all I know they're all hits. But I doubt it. I'll leave the playlist up for a while. Let's get started.

"Soft" by Second Coming

This comes off of their first album. Their first album, "Second Coming," is, without a doubt, one of all time greatest hard rock albums. It is the most powerfully emotional album I ever expect to hear. It goes between upbeat songs like this and emotive ballads. And it just never took off. Their second album is crap crap crap. It's not worth vibrating your eardrums. This song actually got some decent airplay in the late 90s. I wanted to use another song from the first album, but this was all they had.

"You're the One" by The Black Keys

I just learned about this band. I find them enjoyable. I would say that if you melded The White Stripes and Led Zeppelin, you would get The Black Keys. Most of their stuff is a bit more bluesy than this, but I couldn't find anything else I really wanted to include.

"We are Ghosts" by Echobrain

This is the band that Jason Newstead created when he left Metallica. They made 2 albums, both of them excellent, and broke up. Too bad they never caught on, because they are very talented, very original, and made a range of songs. Oh, wait; that's why they never caught on.

"Saint John" by The Cold War Kids

I don't know anything about these guys. But I like this song. I hate hiphop, but I like some of the things influenced by it.

"Wish you Were Here" by Pink Floyd

Not a big fan of Pink Floyd. But I love this song. This is one that you might be well familiar with if you are bit older than my generation. If you are from my generation, give it a listen.

"Call of the Ktulu" (symphony version) by Metallica

If you're a Metallica fan, you're probably familiar with this. If you're not, give it a chance. This is an instrumental from the S&M album when they performed with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. The symphony and the band come together seamlessly and they create something quite unique.

"Astronomy" by Metallica

I mentioned this song last time. I thought I would include it since I mentioned it. It stars slowly, by this is one of my all time favorite songs.

"Violin Concierto, 3rd Movement" by Tchaikovsky

Another of my all time favorites. This is some crazy stuff. I think it sounds just like a Megadeth song. Seriously, I do. No, seriously.

"Catfish Blues" by Jimi Hendrix

Why don't people my age listen to Hendrix or the Blues? This takes care of both of those problems. This song is long, but very good. If you like guitar, you'll love this one. He keeps a very intricate melody throughout. The solo is vintage Hendrix. It doesn't seem like Hendrix gets enough credit for his blues work.

"Mean old World" by Eric Clapton and Duane Allman

Resist the urge to blow into the nearest jug! I know this sounds like someone would have to have been noodling in order to listen to this. But this is some of my favorite acoustic guitar work. Besides, with Clapton and Allman together, how could you lose? So lighten up and give this a listen. Moonshine not included.

2009-02-22T17:30:00.007-06:00

Happy Birthday to Kaaryn! She turned 37 this week (don't tell her I told). She wanted to go to the Fort Worth Botanic Garden on her birthday. So go we did. If anyone is unfamiliar with a botanic garden, just think of a zoo, if the animals didn't move, and lived to be really old, and nobody else is there. That's a botanic garden. Enjoy some birthday pictures.

The entrance to the rose garden. Did you ever see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels?

You'll never guess who we bumped into.

Kaaryn wasn't posing. She always walks around smiling like this.

Unfortunately, you cannot be told what the Botanic Garden is, you have to see if for yourself.

We don't know who took this picture, or how it got into our camera. Kind of creepy really.

These flowers looked like cabbages. But, man, they tasted like crap!

"Heyyyyyyyyy."

She don't need no education. . .

"Hey, Mojo, guess what I had for breakfast."

It was just one of those days for Mojo.

2009-02-15T13:09:00.010-06:00

Here's a little something for the Grandmas. You might have noticed that I've been on a bit of a video kick lately. But, this time the video avoids poor taste. Salem walks. And now that she does, she reminds me an awful lot of Rory Calhoun. Enjoy the video.

Once I watched the video, I couldn't help but notice that this video looks very similar to other things I've seen.

And, of course, this one.

2009-02-08T13:10:00.003-06:00

If I seem more serious than usual lately it's because I work under a lot of stress these days. Grad school has proven somewhat stressful, and today you learn why. Among the pile of work I do each semester, I have to give several 20-30 minute speeches. I just did one on a book we read for one of my classes. Kaaryn came to class and recorded it. The sound is bad, but you can see how class becomes stressful. Check it out.

2009-02-01T12:50:00.004-06:00

I forgot to post this with all of the pictures:

I have a record player. Therefore I also have a copy of the "Frampton Comes Alive" album. This is Salem's favorite by far. Whenever I play this album she erupts into a frenzy of baby dance moves. I was able to record her grooving to "Lines on my Face." I apologize for the poor lighting. It can be hard to see.

As you can see she's a dancing fool. She gets the dancing from my side. The fool comes from her mom.

2009-01-31T20:43:00.005-06:00

Eat it, Phoenix: we got snow! Well, it really more like ice. But, along with pictures of the ice, enjoy some overdue pictures.

Iced over in Crowley, Texas. Texas ice is just like regular ice. . . except the flakes think they're better than the flakes that fall in other states.

Mojo hadn't been this confused since that time Kaaryn was nice to him.

Speaking of Mojo, he wanted to show everyone his Beetlejuice impression.

Oh, yeah. We still have Salem. Here she is with her friend, just before the police chased them into a canyon.

Athos owed her money.

"Don't ever ask me about my business."

2009-01-25T22:33:00.003-06:00

I am making an offering to the blog community. Since my posts have been of poor quality of late, I have a special treat in store for everyone. Against the will of Kaaryn, I offer you The Product of Much Wasted Time. This video is some years old now. Disclaimer: if you think you recognize anyone in the video, you are mistaken. This video is composed only of computer animation.

2009-01-23T16:41:00.003-06:00

This post was written on our new computer. We were not planning on buying a new computer, but fate--and Mojo--had other plans. Our last laptop met an untimely end when I placed it on our desk with insufficient care. Mojo was walking by and caught his leg in the chord of the charger. A laptop with four, small rubber feet is no match for Big 'Mo. (Twenty years ago we wouldn't have had that problem: you could hang a horse with an early Macintosh.)

The good news is that this seems like a good time to buy a new computer. We paid half as much a laptop that is twice as good as our last one. However, I have always disliked buying computers. A computer is the single most anticlimactic purchase anyone will ever make. They are one of the larger expenses most people regularly make, but they are almost exactly the same as the one before it, just a little faster. It's like voting, except there actually is a difference between Macs and PCs. Furthermore, computers are almost too easy to shop for. It seriously took Kaaryn more than twice as much time to spend $20 at a fabric store. She dropped me off and wasn't near finished by the time I walked to the fabric store, laptop in hand.

Anyhow, it's taken me this long to realize that this post is going nowhere at all.

Palmer out.

2009-01-13T21:23:00.008-06:00

School has started again. In anticipation of not being able to post as frequently as I would like, I am resurrecting an old favorite: The Shallow Thoughts. A word about these. These are the product of much boredom. I used to drive a jumbo, beat-up, old flatbed truck out to the sticks and sell hay to passersby. I had a lot of downtime on the job, so I amused myself by writing these. These are all Matt Palmer originals but for one (I'll let you guess which one that is). This was all done about five years ago. I've narrowed it down to 159 Shallow Thoughts from the original 250. These should hold everyone for the time being.

Next time I go on a blind date I don’t want my friend to tell my date that I’m really nice. I want my friend to tell my date that I’m really hot, but the biggest jerk alive. That way, if my date shows up, I can be pretty sure that she’s looking for action.
If I was a butcher I wouldn’t sell the choicest cuts of meat for a living. I would be an investment banker and use butchery strictly as a means of intimidation.
4 out of 5 dentists will approve anything. I bet the fifth dentist is a prickly old man who keeps to himself, and remembers the good old days when families shared a toothbrush, and when a tooth was sore he would pull it out. I bet he uses words like “newfangled,” and “whippersnapper.” He probably thinks his colleagues are too easily impressed.
If it was my job to police The Police I think I would call myself Super Citizen, or The Man’s Man, or maybe even Sting. Then people would know what’s up.
I think public opinion is fickle. Oh, you’re right, it’s not.
The majority of people are minorities. I still can’t into a good Grad school.
If I disagree with someone, I have a 50% chance of being right, but if that person is stupid, I’d make it more like 60/40.
A lot of people think that death is scary, but not me. I think that clowns are scary, because you can only die once, but the circus comes to town every July.
If I was an animal, I would be a bear, because no one has ever said “no,” to a bear that told them to be quiet during a movie.
Smiley faces are ridiculous. If my head was round, and I had no hair, nose, or ears, I would not be so happy.
I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could give it to some guy who wished he had a million dollars.
I know a guy with a superfluous third nipple. But I think that everyone’s wrong, people should have four nipples, and my friend is just one less nipple in the hole.
If I robbed a bank, I wouldn’t say, “Put the money in the bag,” or, “Stick ’em up.” I would say, “I would like to way overdraw my account.” That way, if the FBI caught me, I could tell them the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.
People think that carneys are creepy. What’s so creepy about a smelly man that travels from town to town ripping off children at a ring-tossing game, sleeps in a trailer, wears eye shadow, carries a gun, and has sex with a bearded lady?
One of these days I’m going to give procrastinators a piece of my mind.
If I owned a trucking company, I wouldn’t call it “Matt’s Trucking,” or, “Big Daddy M’s Trucking,” I would call it, “Get the Hell Out of My Way Trucking.” That way people would know what to expect.
A lot of people think it’s wrong to eat animals, but it’s okay to eat fish because fish don’t have any feelings. I think fish do have feelings. If you could hear a fish’s thoughts they would sound something like, “It sure would make me happy if someone ate me,” or “I will be so sad if I don’t get eaten today.”
Science says that water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius. I think they’re wrong. I think water doesn’t freeze at 0 degrees Celsius.
Sometimes I wander why everyone thinks I’m crazy. But then I remember that not everyone has bugs beneath their skin, and knows that eating the dung from a silverback gorilla gives you magical powers.
Skateboarding is not a crime. Unless you’re using it as a getaway vehicle after kidnapping a senator’s daughter.
People who think that cartoon violence doesn’t hurt anyone are wrong, because right now in Singapore, there is a cartoonist with a killer cramp in his drawing hand.
People who put bumper-stickers on their cars are stupid, because sooner or later they are going to pick the wrong candidate.
If I owned a slot machine I would call it “Nostalgia.” Then old ladies could put pennies in and remember when you needed a nickel or a quarter to play the slots.
I think that instead of cash, banks should carry accordions. That might get people to start saving their money.
If videogames were outlawed they would be replaced by something parents hate just as much. Like spending time with their children.
Whenever someone tells me to “have a good one” I pretend that “one” means year, and not day. That way, I can be happy for a long time.
Sometimes I wonder if my cell phone’s on vibrate, or if I am sitting way too still.
When asked if a girl’s looks matter I reply, “Only if she’s ugly.”
I don’t like to call it going bald. I think that forehead globalization is a much better term.
I always wondered why dogs like to pee on fire hydrants. Then I saw a fireman relieving himself into a box of milk bones at the grocery store.
The only situation I can think of when it wouldn’t be funny if someone got hit in the nuts would be if I saw it exactly as my car was breaking down.
If I owned a company that made signs I wouldn’t hang a sign outside of my shop that said, “Matt’s Signs,” or, “Signs of the Times.” My sign would say, “Hey, I will make you a sign in exchange for money.”
Smart people estimate that 9 out of 10 people are stupid. Meanwhile, stupid people estimate that 1 out of 10 people don’t like reality TV shows.
I wish I owned a pitchfork and a torch, because then, monsters wouldn’t think about moving anywhere near my house.
When I have kids, I’m not going to give them names like, “Achmad,” or “Ling-Ling,” or “Perseus.” I’m going to give them weird names like, “Bill,” or, “Tom,” or, “Suzy.”
I wouldn’t want to run a marathon. Unless the weather was nice, and I was about 26 miles from Disneyland, and all the lines were really short.
If I could wish for one thing it would be world peace. But since that’ll never happen, I wish that I could dunk.
If I owned a burger joint I would put the buns on the inside. That way people wouldn’t complain so much if I forgot the ketchup.
Somewhere in hell right now, there is a room full of rock stars’ pilots.
One time I went to school in my underwear. That day in Math, I dreamt I had a test.
If a bug’s really as scared of me as I’m scared of it, then why don’t bugs run screaming every time I go near them?
When a was a kid, I wanted to be a junky when I grew up, but my grades weren’t good enough. So I went to community college.
I think that gold would be an even more precious metal if you could eat it.
I wish I drove a tow truck. That would keep the miles on my car way down.
If I was a pirate, I wouldn’t spend all of my time chasing buried treasure. I would chase leprechauns, because as far as I know, the rainbow does not end underground.
If I owned a work truck, I would put a water cooler on the outside and fill it with cheap whiskey. That way, I could save the freeway bums a trip to the store.
I think that going to heaven is way underrated.
The only way I would ever become a vegetarian would be if plants learned to walk, and to do it they had to replace vegetables with muscle.
No opinion is less reliable than that of a cheerleader. Too many times have cheerleaders from a second place team held up their index finger as an indicator of rank.
If I created my own candy it wouldn’t be sweet, or sour, or sweet and sour. It would be bland. I would call it blandy instead of candy. Old people would like my blandy.
I think that people should replace numbers with good times. Because then, the fun would never stop.
If I was a bird I wouldn’t sit on telephone wires, I would sit on telephones. That way, everyone would have to give me a cracker if they wanted to make a call.
Since kids pass notes in English class, do they pass letters in Music class?
If I was a professor and I taught at a university, I wouldn’t grow a beard. That’s just what they’d be expecting.
If I was a fighter-pilot, I wouldn’t shoot down other planes. I would hock my jet for the most bitchen gold ring you ever saw.
I think that time should be abolished. That way instead of being fashionably late, people would have to be fashionably ugly.
If jokes made people cry would we still tell them? I think so, but only to people we hate, or that drive poorly.
I think that if they started calling jails, “Houses of Stabbing and Sodomy“, that might entice people to not break the law.
If I had big hair there is no way that I’d sit in the back row of a movie theater. Unless it was really big.
I would bet that the person who coined the phrase, “In the house,” was the same person who invented indoor plumbing.
I don’t think that getting away with murder is the perfect crime. I think that remote control theft is, because the couch always takes the blame.
I saw a commercial for Jack in the Box saying that they make three salads fresh everyday. If I was their fourth salad buying customer I would feel ripped off.
People want it to be legal for two guys or two girls to get married. Some people will do anything for a tax break.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. I think my TV is watching me.
It is not a good idea to play dead when being attacked by a killer.
I was going to buy some British speakers, but I cant stand it when the word color is pronounced with an o-u-r.
I went to the gym to lift weights, but someone had already picked them up and put them on the bar.
I had to hire a twelve inch pianist to entertain my million ducks.
Most people don’t know I have a tattoo because it is the exact same color as my forehead.
Some kid keeps stealing my car, joyriding it, then filling it back up with gas and taking the miles off of the odometer.
I don’t know why they bother to put urinal cakes in urinals. They just get dirty.
If I could have any job, it would be wallet inspector for the Yankees.
Most people don’t know that monkeys use the same electoral process as humans. But what we call “debates” they call “ crap fights.”
I think that death metal needs resuscitation.
If I went back in time, I wouldn’t make myself really rich, or save the world. I would tell my old self that the cup in front of the other guy has the poison in it.
On a scale of 1-10; 1 being the least favorable thing and 10 being the most favorable thing: I would give torture a 1.
Gatorade: Side effects may include greed.
Whenever I can’t think of anything good to say, I seem to be speaking.
I had a personal trainer test my strength. It was just as I expected: exactly one man power.
If experience has taught me anything it is that it is best to taunt athletes when they are not changing your tire.
Painters would be less poor if they started painting life-size portraits of $100 bills.
I’m going to start doing my homework in my car because I get free roadside assistance.
When I get old I’m not going to be like other old people, I’m going to be bitter and resentful.
People who owe society are called criminals. People who think society owes them, are called democrats. People who think they own society are called republicans.
Contrary to popular belief, PMS is not considered a biological weapon.
I wish I spoke Spanish. Then I could teach the Mexicans standing on the corner phrases that will help them get work like “Make love to your wife, fifty dollars?” Or “Careful, I steeaal!”
I think that math is a big waste of time. Especially since numbers can be written using letters.
I think regular people would start going to art galleries if they replaced paintings with TV’s, and conversation with beer.
Next time I’m arguing with a rhino, I’m going to make sure there is a tree near by.
I think of all the plants in the world, cacti take themselves way too seriously.
If there was one sentence I wish I heard more it would be, “You are the sexiest man I have ever met!”
Not known to most, the faucets lining bathroom walls are not strictly decorative.
I bet God eats a lot of pie. What other food is that hilarious when used as a weapon?
I hate countries that show aggressive, threatening, behavior. We should invade them next.
I always used to think people were calling me a “Stick-in-the-mud.” But it turns out that it just sounds a lot like “Sick-in-the-head.”
If your body really is the soul’s vehicle, that would explain why so many people are content to drive Suburbans, and so few prefer sports cars.
Next time an old man says to me “In my day, we respected our elders.” I’m going to say, “Yeah, and look where it got you.”
Two dollars per gallon is too much to pay for gas. Especially when it tastes like crap.
I used to have a job delivering Chinese food in a Jaguar. Except instead of a Jaguar, I drove a bicycle, and instead of Chinese food, I delivered cocaine.
Telephone poles: where more people get phone calls than any other piece of lumber.
I think that cars would be more stylish if they had five wheels and one axle.
Scientifically speaking, gossip is a liquid: It is a substance that flows when it is not contained.
I would be a lot happier right now if I would have known that syphilis is not a regional dialect for the sniffles.
I always see giant trucks drive by with forklifts on the back. If the truck is that hard to get into, they should buy a smaller vehicle.
I think people worry way too much about going to prison. Except for criminals, I think they worry just the right amount.
I think that two tractors should not be allowed to get married.
I always wondered what they use to translate Latin music into Spanish.
Next time I go to the dog track, I’m betting on a dog with four legs.
Doctors have a lot in common with the IRS: They both take more money than they need, and are prone to giving embarrassing probes in the coldest manner.
Of all the elements, water is the laziest; it only goes downhill.
Whoever invented candy canes must be really small.
I wish I had a million dollars. Then I could wish that I had a billion dollars.
I bet unicorns think horses look silly.
The pen really would be mightier than the sword, if it exploded.
If I lived in Detroit, I wouldn’t buy a gun. I would buy lots of guns.
If I was a mathematician, I would prove the age old argument: Algebra is useless to most.
Dentures: Side effects may include: crabbiness, short temper, unwillingness to accept new thought or technology, likelihood to complain, and nostalgia.
I think that the Navy has it all backwards: Water sinks in canyons of boats.
Birds are a bad example to children. All they do is hang around collecting grass and having sex in random, public places; they are like small town high school students.
Next time I buy a used car, I’m going to make sure that someone else has owned it before me.
Current events are alarming: It’s one hundred ten degrees out and I’m hungry.
Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every gay man is another homosexual.
Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
I wish pubic urinals were more like the one in my house: the kind you can shower in.
Wearing a mullet: side effects may include: scowl, paranoia toward government, desire to participate in an old west shootout, affinity for heavy weaponry, residence in trailer, and unpleasant odor not unlike that of maple syrup.
One-celled organisms have too many cells.
I think that Shakespeare is overrated. But if anyone was underrated, it would be Shakespeare.
For some reason, New Hampshire keeps mailing me sausage.
If I was the only ruler in a large nation I would probably have a lot of things to measure.
Striped shirts should make up their minds.
Most people don’t realize that the world is upside down because people are too.
If I was bald with a beard I wouldn’t ride a motorcycle, or work at a car parts store. I would wear glasses upside down over my mouth, and a fake mouth upside down over my eyes, and scare the crap out of my optometrist.
I love the zoo. Except when people are obnoxious . . . especially the fat ones who always tap on the glass of my cage window.
I don’t think there’s as much fire in hell as people think. But I bet there’s a lot of soccer.
Black holes are greedy.
Most people don’t know that chairs take a break when they think nobody’s looking.
I bet glaciers think we don’t live very long.
Everything works until you attempt to prove it to somebody else.
Tie dye: side effects may include: rapid uncontrollable hair growth, distaste for conservatism, tendency to watch Scooby Doo, affinity for all hemp products, and overuse of the word “Man” ranging from mild to severe.
I’ve never been turned down by a girl. I’m just attracted to girls who spend weekend nights washing their hair.
Most people don’t know that polar bears avoid the desert because sand sticks to their fur.
Stalin was very good at murdering people, but as far as inflicting pain goes, he was an average dentist.
Of all the terrible people in the world, Jerry Springer is the ugliest.
I think that Kung Fu movies are too violent. Except when they’re on the news, then I think they’re quite informative.
Any time someone says they are happy for me I say, “Come on man, I wanted to do that.”
If I ever left my wife I wouldn’t say, “Goodbye,” or, “I’m leaving you.” I would say, “Taller hydrogen walks the plank, matey!” That way, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what I was talking about, instead of wondering where the toaster over went.
I’ve never had a nickname. But if I had one, I would like it to be. “He who’s body inspires lustful thoughts.”
Doctors agree: 8 out of 10 statues don’t get enough exercise.
High-fives are the lowest form of human celebration there is. They should be replaced with something more sophisticated, like butting heads, or flashing school buses.
I think the South would be a better place to live if the weather was nice, and nobody else lived there.
People don’t realize that it’s not that clouds block the sun out from them, but that clouds block them out from the sun.
Traffic barricades are a lot like Deon Sanders: They are both obnoxiously dressed, and are not there for hitting.
I think that history is useless, but only to people that are already dead.
Penguins only have one mate each year. That is just one of many reasons why they make lousy basketball players.
I think that among food, salad is the most admired of all dishes. Everything is trying to become a salad these days. Someone should tell macaroni, potatoes, chicken, Caesar, and the rest that they are tasty enough in their original form and they should stop pretending to be their leafy brother.
I am so glad that 3-D glasses do not work. Lead underwear would be way too uncomfortable.
Pet alligators are a lot less adorable from the inside.
If experience has taught me anything it’s that the Queen of England does not appreciate it when someone attempts to convince her they have stolen her nose by placing the tip of their thumb between their index and middle fingers.
I always wondered McDonald’s customers pay extra for that dude to step on their hamburger.

2009-01-11T20:49:00.007-06:00

You may think that I have gone crazy (again), but I love cold weather. To be honest, it doesn't get much colder than 25 degrees here, at least so far. But this week, we had some weather that I had never before seen, or even knew existed: freezing rain.

Before you scoff at my ignorance, remember that I grew up in the Phoenix area where the only things that freeze are either caffeinated, or play weekly at Sun Devil Stadium. I had always thought that freezing rain was what most people called ice. Or that rain, having been frozen previous to its descent to the surface of the Earth, was known by most as snow. However, there is a rain that freezes, which is not to be confused with freezing fog, which we also have here. I think the best way to describe freezing fog is to think of what might happen in a certain area of the body if one were wearing sweat pants while jogging through north Alaska.

Also, having been from Phoenix, I am no stranger to dramatic landscapes. I took this picture not two weeks ago, just outside of Mesa. It may be familiar to many of you.

But I digress. We had some freezing rain this week, and, much to my delight, the rain left a scene that I found most original and pleasing. Most of the trees here have already lost their leaves. The areas around the creeks and rivers are now filled with the skeletal forms of these trees in hibernation. The rain fell all day and froze to everything in town. Icicles dripped from from every sign, branch, and stationary object. And nowhere did the rain stay frozen like in the dead and leafless trees.

The trees were much like the palo verde in Arizona, exhumed from the desert and resurrected in a crystalline haze, for each branch carried a load of dozens of tiny, shining ice-leaves that grew with the falling rain. The area around this wash, previously washed through in gray, now blended into the cloudy sky and the thin fog that froze in the wash so that the scant remaining halfdead grass seemed the world's only color, like the pallor of gold corroded. It was something I never expected to see in my dreams, a great and simple treat for a desert guy like myself. Perhaps this was commonplace to the locals, if so, all the worse for them.

2009-01-04T21:52:00.015-06:00

Phoenix Picture Bonanza

We have returned! We went. We saw. We visited. (Phoenix having been previously conquered by the United States). We were in Arizona for a little over a week. We spent time in Snowflake and in the Phoenix area. We were able to see everyone we wanted to see (and some we had no desire to see at all; I'm looking your way, town of Taylor). Overall, it was a great trip: I got to go on a ride along with my cop brother Nolan. Long true story short: a wino urinated in the backseat of his cruiser. Fun was had by all. And I mean all. I did a bit of hiking with Shane and Jalan. We watched bowl games at the Dababnehs. And those grandmas got to see that baby.

But enough of me. Enjoy some of the many pictures we took.

On our way out. Kaaryn took the picture of Salem and me. She screamed through the entirety of the plane's descent. (Salem was no joy either).

Grandma! She's like mom, but with patience.

"But I got a baby for Christmas last year."

I had dropped my keys somewhere in Snowflake. Shane thought a high vantage might produce results.

From baldest to most hair: Salem, Rigley, Adilyn, Cierra.

It was great to see all of the guys:

Hoss was there. . .

. . . Nolan was there . . .

. . . Saleem was there . . .

. . . Benny was there . . .

. . . Even little Scotty was there.

You might have noticed everyone in the same outfit. It's not that we were trying to get beat up (that usually finds a way of taking care of itself). We did family pictures with the Palmers one day and with the Brimhalls another day.

Here's one from the Palmers:

. . . One Grecian Urn . . .

Here's one from the Brimhalls:

Now that Kaaryn is a mother, she has assumed the proper role on vacations:

"Thank you. I'll be here all weekend."

I was actually drinking the water.

"So I says to him, I says, breast milk, formula, they're all the same in my diaper."

Getting the plane home. She vomited on us three different times on the plane. She was reaching down deep toward the end. I'm pretty sure some of that stuff was past the point of no return, if you know what I mean. You gotta be pretty sick to vomit something that, seconds ago, was nigh to your sphincter.

Safe at home with Dad and Big 'Mo

2009-01-03T15:18:00.003-06:00

We have safely returned from Phoenix. I am preparing a fairly long post that will fill everyone in on our trip. In the meantime, enjoy some thought-provoking satire:

2008-12-25T10:44:00.007-06:00

A Christmas Letter from the Palmers

Yesterday, we got a Christmas card from the Dababnehs. It made me realize that we didn’t make any kind of Christmas document. So I will give a Christmas blog recount of our year.

Thunderdome called: they're missing a coat.

If calendars were not so ubiquitous, I would call this a long year. Much has happened: we chose a grad school, bought our first house, moved to Texas, Salem turned one, I managed to finish my first semester of grad school, and, let‘s not forget, I ate spaghetti for lunch yesterday. In all, I would call it a full year. Kaaryn and I have both worked like crazy all year.

Salem, doing her best Uncle Fester impression, on her first birthday.

We have also been busy with our church callings. Kaaryn is in the Primary Presidency, which is to say that she coordinates the teaching of children under the age of 12. I teach seminary at 5:50 AM two days one week and three days the next. I would include a picture of my class, but you can only see the tops of their heads at that hour. We are teaching the New Testament this year, which makes it easy on me.

These days Kaaryn is working for Maxim Healthcare. She does home health for sick children. She gets to work with the same people every week. She used to have to go to different houses every day. She likes the stability of knowing with whom she will work. I have really enjoyed working on Descant, the creative writing Journal published by TCU. It’s my job to read all of the fiction submissions and pass along whatever I think has merit. The whole outfit is run by three people. But I love the work and am very glad to pay my way through school with this. We will publish our journal in May, at which point anyone interested in quality fiction and poetry can pick one up for something like $12. I will keep everyone posted.

We were all working in the yard. One guess as to who was eating dirt (the answer may surprise you).

I was actually standing on my head in this one.

Salem is a joy, whenever she is not teething. When there is a tooth coming through, watch out. Otherwise, she is getting more and more independent. She spends her time crawling around and getting into trouble, kind of like Nero, but without animal costumes. She does a little bit of talking. Kaaryn swears she says “dog.” It sounds more like “Trojan Football” to me, but I could be mistaken. Most of you will see her very soon.

Salem last Christmas:

Salem this Christmas:

Next year should be much more of the same. School for me. Work for Kaaryn. Poop for Salem. Thanks for reading the blog. We will update when we return from Arizona. In the meantime, merry Christmas!

The dogs. Mojo weighed in at 78 pounds last week.

2008-12-18T20:32:00.004-06:00

School is out, for now. I had a lot of work to finish in the last month. I just turned in about 75 pages worth of papers I've written for the end of the semester. I figure that I read all or part of about 25 books, and all of about 30-40 academic articles this semester. I plan on taking it easy for the next three weeks.

I thought, since I have been so bad about blogging as I was finishing the semester, I would make peace with the blogging world by sharing a little secret: I have recorded my entire life on video. Since I have been talking about school in this post, I will share a few videos from this semester.

I took a theory class this semester. We studied a range of literary theories. I have some segments from some of our classes. We began the semester with a study of Marxist theory:

A bit later, we did Feminist theory. I will admit, this one made me a bit nervous:

I also took a class that teaches students how to be good Administrators:

We all had that professor that was way too into the 60's. I'm afraid that I had that guy this semester:

And finally, I attended the convocation ceremonies. Something about this left me just a little unsettled:

I will get back soon.

2008-12-10T13:02:00.004-06:00

Forgive my lack of blogging! I mean it. I have three large research papers due next week. I have been busy and uninteresting. Next week, I will blog better. In the meantime, enjoy some positive press for Pit Bulls.

I couldn't help but notice that they never mentioned the breed. And the hard head thing is quite true.

See you all in a week.

2008-11-24T13:09:00.011-06:00

Happy Birthday to you....

We celebrated Salem's birthday last night and wanted to share some pictures. Because I work long hours I missed her actual birthday, but it worked out perfect because her grandparents could watch her open gifts and eat her birthday cake on-line last night.

As you can see she did have presents but really just wanted to talk on the phone

Salem just wants to be like daddy

Mojo helping with the clean up

All Clean?

2008-11-20T10:47:00.008-06:00

Notice anything different about this baby?

She's one today. And you know what that means. . . only 17 more years until she's out of here! Then Kaaryn and I can pursue our dream of traveling the country on motorcycle and heckling Carrot Top at each and every one of his lousy performances.

I remember the day Salem was born. Mostly because I got to skip class. (Who says children only take?) But anyway, it was an unseasonably cool November 20^th in Phoenix, a brisk 80 degrees, if I recall. Kaaryn went in for a checkup and the Doctor insisted on inducing her, since it was very difficult to reschedule the Doctor's tee-time that weekend. Kaaryn called me while I was in class and left a voicemail asking me why I always left the car such a mess, and added that she was in labor. Since I was an English major, I had no car of my own. I called my Mom and ate Samurai Sam's while I waited for her to pick me up. If there is one thing about that day that has changed me forever, it is this: my chicken was quite dry, and the only remedy available was an overly salty soy sauce, the likes of which scar me to this day.

Salem was born at Paradise Valley Hospital. (Contrary to the myth, the bedpans are not solid gold in Paradise Valley. They are only gold plated and can be used as currency at most Jiffy Lube locations.) Kaaryn was not in labor very long. After having contractions for a couple of hours, and once coming quite near to punching the nurse, Kaaryn told the nurse she felt like she had to go to the bathroom. This is the great thing about being in labor: I tell Kaaryn many times a day about going to the bathroom, both before and after, both of the necessity and of the experience. But when you're in labor, people don't roll their eyes at you or turn up the volume on the TV. The nurse took a look at things, and surely enough, there was the top of Salem's bald head. Next thing you know, Salem is swaddled and screaming. It really seems like child birth is one of the more easy experiences of a woman's life. Seriously, who hasn't known a woman who could birth 8 children like that! but can't change a spare tire, or program a learning remote? (You can leave hate mail by clicking on the comments section.)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Salem. It's fun to see how animated she is getting. She talks now. She has a vocabulary of about three words, or roughly the equivalent of local news. Her best word is “kitty.” Which at its best sounds like “Z Z” and at its worst most closely resembles certain dialects of Sanskrit. She is also a crawling fool. She has this sprint crawl where she gets going pretty fast. But before she can sprint she has to shout some sort of baby battle cry. We're not sure of it's a shout of joy, followed by a crawl toward the object of that joy, or if it's more akin to what a weight lifter does before heaving an Olympic-sized load over his head. It is enjoyable though.

It's been a good year with baby. We love her and wouldn't trade her for anything less than one of the non-leper Hawaiian islands. We got another camera, so enjoy some pictures.

The Blair Witch shot. Anyone remember that?

Salem gets fresh with Roxanne.

And gets a birthday kiss from Mojo.

Happiness in the crib.

Here is Salem showing off her elocution. You have to listen pretty closely, but she keeps saying "kitty" repeatedly.

2008-11-12T21:16:00.001-06:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
NOVEMBER 12, 2004

I LOVE YOU!

P.S Happy Birthday Scotty! We love and miss you very much!

2008-11-09T20:42:00.000-06:00

I thought what with all the politics in the blogosphere these days, I would see if I couldn't update myself on the state of all things political. I was able to find and interview the average Liberal and the average conservative: Sunshine Granola, and Joe Sixpack. They were both kind enough to visit with me. I have transcribed our discussions for your enjoyment.

I caught up with Sunshine Granola, the average Liberal, in my local Whole Foods store. She was distributing a petition to jail SUV owners for crimes against humanity. Here's what she had to say:

Sunshine, you must be happy with the results of this week's election.

I sure am. History has shown that someone like Obama is needed in a time of crisis.

Would you care to fill us in on this history?

Sure. Here's all you need to know about history: mankind lived in caves as domestic partners, then FDR came and regulated the economy. The End.

You have been heard to blame current economic troubles on the free market. Would you care to elaborate.

Well, when Clinton was president, he established something of a Utopia. Then Bush came, deregulated the market, and now we live in Hell.

Are there any specific acts of deregulation for which you blame Bush?

Well, you know, it was mostly the (inaudible mumbling).

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you.

Everything was great. Then Bush came into office and (more inaudible mumbling), and now everyone is worse off. It's all that laissez-fair nonsense.

And how exactly do you define laissez-fair?

It's really quite simple: laissez-fair is what Republicans do and that for which I blame them.

I can see you've thought this through. Could you please explain your views on abortion?

Sure. The government has absolutely no business with what we do with our bodies. That's why sex education is so important; so that government officials can tell us how to use our bodies. Naturally then, they should ignore the way we use them. Which is to say that they should tell us the proper way to use our reproductive capacities, knowing all along that they have no business in the way we use them. In short, the government must educate us on how to use our bodies, but has no business with what we do with our bodies.

Uh huh. Would you mind explaining your views on health care?

The government has a solemn responsibility to take care of our bodies, inside and out. There is nothing about the body or mind that should not be subject to government assistance and control.

Except, of course, the reproductive capacities.

Yea, sure. I haven't quite thought about that yet.

You have been vocal about the role of tolerance in society. Would you care to elaborate?

I think I speak for us all when I say that the one thing I simply cannot tolerate is intolerance.

Critics of the Democratic Party have noted that the 10^th amendment to the constitution doesn't allow for federal programs that are not explicitly stated in the constitution itself. How would you respond to that?

As you know, the 10th amendment was written in that nebulous part of history between primordial slime and The New Deal. Very little is known about that period other than mass starvation and general ickyness. I can tell you this much, if the 10^th amendment came from that era, we're all better off without it.

One last question: How do you respond to the criticism that your world view and philosophy, having their roots in renaissance humanism, are incapable of providing the foundation necessary to make moral generalizations, since the postmodern discourse on subjectivities disallows hierarchies pertaining to cultural emphases on morality, and you are basing your ideas off of a Judeo-Christian belief in human culpability and a Utopian ideal that assumes a level of culpability in man and yet a moral void nature, also borrowed from a Judeo-Christian tradition which you ostensibly reject?

(At this point, Granola stormed off and called me a hate-filled bigot. It concluded our interview.)

As luck would have it, I also managed to bump into Joe Sixpack, the average conservative. I found him coming out of church with his mistress (his wife being away shooting at wildlife while parasailing.)

Joe, you have expressed disappointment with the nomination of McCain. But you still voted for him. Why was that?

Running the country isn't all that hard. We really just need someone to hold down the fort until Jesus comes back and disenfranchises all of the liberals. That, and I got this email, and it said that Obama's a socialist, a Muslim, and (he whispered this) a black man. We can't have a Muslim in office. We need someone there to protect religious freedom and tolerance.

It's good to see you have a plan. You say you are against socialism? But you send your children to a socialist school system without complaining. Is there any inconsistency there?

The school system couldn't possibly be socialist; John McCain never told me to be against it.

Well said. What do you believe the role of religion should be in government?

All I got to say is, if saying you love Jesus is enough to get into heaven, shouldn't be it enough to get my vote?

You have been very vocal about your love for America. However, you have also been very vocal about your dislike for the %52 of Americans who voted Democratic this election. Is it the case that you love America halfway, or is your love for the 48% of America strong enough to overcome your animosity for the majority?

(Here Joe removed two small American flags from his pockets, crammed them into his ears and sang “God Bless America” until he saw my lips stop moving).

Welcome back. Could you explain your philosophy about governmental economic regulation.

It's really simple. The government should never, ever regulate the market. . . except for the Federal Reserve. . . the FDIC. . . the SEC, the FCC, Sarbanes-Oxley, OSHA, (here he paused to think for a moment). . . breaking up labor unions, immigration McCain-Feingold, the Community Reinvestment Act, tax breaks for home owners and other middle class tax advantages, business licenses, HMOs, certification of professionals, oh yeah and taxes, don't forget taxes . . . Shall I keep going?

I think I get the point. But aren't these things regulations?

That's impossible; McCain never told me to be against these either. Except for when McCain doesn't tell me to hate it, government regulation is bad. Welfare too.

Exactly how should one deregulate the economy?

We mostly just talk about Ronald Regan. That seems to do the trick.

Tell me more about welfare.

Welfare is immoral. It is simply wrong to take money from one person and give it to another. That's why welfare money should only be given to businesses. Unless, of course, I happen to need it. Welfare leads to crime. Bad crime, the ones that hurt middle class people like me, not good crime, like Oliver North or torture.

You see a difference between good crime and bad crime?

You betcha! Bad crime is done by people. Good crime is done by the government. You gotta have laws, but you can't expect the people that make the laws to obey them. That would be unpatriotic. The constitution may be divinely inspired, but it's still just a piece of paper, like the Bible. And, like the Bible, if it speaks against you, you just appoint a judge to tell you that it says what you want to hear.

I fail to see the difference.

(At this point, Joe reminded me that, since he was saved, he could kill me and it would make no difference. Thus ended our interview.)

2008-10-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

TCU vs. BYU

I have never seen so many children at a football game. It must be BYU! I especially loved seeing the "loud guy" with a baby strapped to his chest. We had a great time at the TCU/BYU football game Matt and I went with some friends from our ward who are all BYU fans and since Matt is going to TCU we had to be loyal. I wore purple and Matt wore his TCU hat in the mist of navy blue. We are all still friends in the end but we went home a bit happier or I hope we are still friends. They did boo at us. Thanks Barb for putting it all together! Also for the pictures which I stole from facebook:)Rematch next year!

2008-10-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

You might be wondering where the posts have been lately. If so, I will now explain. (If you have been wondering anything else you will find yourself somewhat disappointed). My mom and the kids came to town last week. During all of the fun and excitement we lost our camera. Thus, I have no pictures to share with everyone. And when there are no pictures, nobody reads the blog. And since nobody is reading this blog right now, I could say anything I wanted and nobody would know. Which is why I am now declaring that I have passed legislation to outlaw Canada and bombing will begin promptly. Wait, that's already been done. Never mind.

Anyhow, since the only people still here are those who actually read stuff, I thought I would offer you something special. I have been reading all kinds of interesting things for class of late. At the end of the semester, I plan to make some copies of things (authors all dead) and mail it to people I believe might find it worthwhile, and some who will have no choice in the matter. So, if you're interested in learning more about language, persuasion, and society as a whole, send me your address and I will get you some good stuff come December. I'll be sending some good articles from the likes of Kenneth Burke, Wayne Boothe, Michel Foucault, Richard (Dream) Weaver, and others. Just promise you'll read it so I'm not wasting my time and money. If send your address in the next 20 minutes, I'll even throw in one of my seminar papers, just in case you ever have trouble sleeping. You can email me your address for privacy: haybucker@gmail.com

In the mean time, I'll try to woo readers without the aid of pictures.

2008-10-04T08:20:00.000-05:00

Mojo Update.

Mojo is 7 ½ months now. I took him to the vet last week to get some shots and make sure he knew who is boss around here (Kaaryn). He's weighing in at 70 lbs now. I'm not sure when he is supposed to stop growing. But it looks like he'll be pushing 80-90 lbs before he's done. Enjoy some pictures of Mo.

Mojo at the vet. They had just finished putting things in every orifice, sticking him with countless needles, and a failed attempt to cajole him into providing a stool sample. This is all that was left of him.

You looking at Mo?

Mojo is perfect with Salem. They love to play and he's very gentle with her. He always waits for her to come out of the bath.

Here's one for all of you 'pit bulls are dangerous' types out there.

These last two posts got me thinking: in what ways are dogs better than babies? I was able to come up with a few answers.

Babies mess the floor. Dogs clean the floor, except on rare occasions. But even then, if the dogs poop in the house, I don't have to wipe their butts.

Dogs are spayed and neutered. I don't ever have to worry about who they're humping.

I don't get grossed out when the dogs eat dog food off the floor.

The dogs don't bite as hard. And they don't think it's funny when they do.

Mojo isn't even 8 months old, and he's almost through puberty.

My dogs listen when I tell them to stop barking.

The dogs clean up their own vomit.

My neighbors don't call the police when I beat my dogs.

2008-09-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

Not much going on here. I am terribly busy with school. Kaaryn is terribly busy with baby. Salem is developing into quite a handful. She is a charismatic and sassy as can be. Her favorite game is to pester her parents until they snap. Then we yell. She laughs and points at us. Enjoy some pictures.

She took a dump in her bathtub. I, for one, can't wait until she starts dating.

Athos is very tolerant. Look close and see a tiny fist full of fur.

She was playing with the shaving cream in the bath. Her aim is dead on.

You ever get that feeling you're being watched?

Baby scraps for scraps with the dogs.

2008-09-14T07:23:00.000-05:00

To John Madden of Football, Broadcasting, and Video Game fame:

I am afraid, Dear John, that I now write you a Dear John. I remember when we first met. It was '95 and you were just a little cartridge in my Sega Genesis. You had not learned of pass interference then and I took sore advantage of you with Rod Woodson. I would push your wide receivers and somehow leap fifteen or so yards for an interception. You were so naive. I was so cruel. But, somehow, we worked it out in those days of the dawn of our time together.

(Things started so well. But we were both young and foolish.)

Then there was that time about the year 1999 when my wandering lusts cast you aside and sought fulfillment in another. Along came a younger, sexier, more fun version of you named 2K sports. It came in disc form, and I had a Sega Dreamcast. It was exciting at first, but it just felt wrong. I played 2K furiously and, for a while, I didn't miss you. But, you won out. When you found out what was happening to your market share, you killed the Dreamcast and bought exclusive rights to NFL trademarked material. I have always begrudged this of you, but we made up and reunited.

(I wasn't proud of 2K. But I don't regret it.)

Then there were those glorious days of Wii Madden. I remember how we made a mockery of defenses with Reggie Bush. The thrill of buttonless passing. The sound of Hoss throwing his controller in rage. I thought those days would never end. We both know too well that they did. Even when things seemed perfect, we could not get past our problems. There was your random holding calls, your moody receivers dropping balls with no explanation. And then you came out with '08. I thought I'd never forgive you.

(I don't blame you for stopping the Bush era. I blame your faulty programming.)

But I gave you one last chance. You cajoled me into buying '09 with sweet talk of improved physics. You said that you would no longer sack my quarterback two seconds after I've pushed the pass button. You told me that I would not be magnetically sealed to blockers (Madnetic blocking, as I have been wont to call it). I was promised the world . . . and given New Jersey. Sure there was gang tackling, and your graphics were improved. But your linebackers jump four feet into the air for interceptions. Your defensive ends run 4.2 40s. Cris Collensworth's commentary makes me want to punch my dog. And I still can't see my wide receivers. But, still I played you, or rather you me. And, like a battered spouse, I excused you and kept coming back for more. But no more! I am leaving you, Madden '09. I've met this sexy new game, Rock Band 2. Rock Band treats me right. Rock Band makes me feel wanted. Rock band drives a convertible and lives in a condo.

(Your heart is colder than the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.)

The time is now, Madden '09. Consider this my last goodbye: Boom!

2008-09-11T16:46:00.000-05:00

I would like to congratulate myself on officially becoming an elitist. I volunteered for write an opinion column for the TCU Daily Skiff, which is the school newspaper at Texas Christian. I've been known to have an opinion from time to time, so I thought I might make a good match for the position. I should be contributing one every week or so. So, if you're interested, I will keep a link in our blogroll, and you can check. Otherwise, you've probably heard the last of this column. I would like to add, that I did not provide the title found online.

In order to pay my tuition at school, I work as an associate editor for Descant, which is the department's creative writing journal. My duties are to do some clerical stuff, but the bulk of my time is reading short stories and telling the editor which ones I find worthy of his more discerning eyes. I really enjoy and am very glad for the experience. Today, when I went to work at Descant, I managed to get some pictures of the area around the University Union. I will get some pictures of the other half of campus next week. I am down that way during classes.

Here is the Union from outside the courtyard. This will make sense in a few pictures.

This is looking from the Union to the football stadium.

Looking from the Union across the courtyard. The far building houses the English Department, my home away from home. They are building a new academic building between the fountain and the building I just pointed out.

The courtyard from the fountain, looking at the Union. The building to either side are dorms. This is the heart of campus. It is very nice and very well planned.

This is just outside the building where the English Department is. Notice the jumbo Horned Frog.

Here is the lawn near my building. Perhaps this is one picture too many.

2008-09-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry, all, for being neglectful. School has started and it has kept me exceedingly busy. I am now in my third week at TCU. I do enjoy it. Having come from a public school, I've noticed a few things different about going to a private school.

1. Everything is for sale at TCU. Even the hallways are named after wealthy donors. I believe, for about ten grand, you can get a placard with your name on it fixed above a urinal.

2. More flowers. The blooms follow the bucks.

3. The profanity on the men's room stalls is less frequent and less severe.

4. About $20,000 a year.

Those are about all the differences I can name off the top of my head. I will post soon with pictures of TCU (which is beautiful, I must add). I also have some great video of Salem dancing, which I predict you're going to enjoy. So check back soon. I promise I won't continue to neglect.

2008-08-20T21:44:00.000-05:00

Seattle and Phoenix- Girls Weekend!

Salem and I had an excellent weekend in Seattle. Although Salem screamed and didn't sleep much I did enjoy finally meeting friends from my childhood. My parents moved to California and joined the Air Force when I was a baby.There they met Allison and her family. Christie (her daughter) is 2 years older than me and lives here in Fort Worth. Her wedding was this weekend in Seattle. Salem and I flew to Phoenix picked up my mom and off we went to Seattle. Allison lives about 30 minutes from Seattle in Bonney Lake. (Pictures Below) It was wonderful to finally meet her family, visit the temple, and enjoy the beautiful weather. Next time Salem is staying home! Thanks Mom for taking us:)

Lift Off

We stopped in Phoenix to pick up Mom. Ashley joined us for dinner

Lauren and Katie also joined us for dinner

How could Salem be afraid of this face?

SEATTLE

The view from Allison's Home- She lives in Bonney Lake but lives on Mary Jane Lake. Mount Rainier is in the distance

Salem- A Rare happy moment with her new friend Kaylee

Salem and Kaaryn enjoy getting their toes done

Christie and Allison- Bridal Shower

Seattle Temple- Although the temple was beautiful I enjoyed the grounds. I believe in this picture the temple is undergoing repairs. Congrats Christie!

2008-08-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

Since Kaaryn and Salem are out of town, I thought I'd take the opportunity to get to the Dallas Temple. It's about an hour drive from our house, so it takes quite a bit more planning than it did when we lived 15 minutes from the Mesa Temple. Anyone unfamiliar with Temples can get more info here.

This makes the 7th Temple I've seen. They are, in chronological order:

Mesa, AZ. I took this one on my cell phone. It didn't turn out too badly.

Snowflake, AZ. This is the only of these pictures that wasn't either taken by me or someone with me at the time.

San Diego, CA. This is where Kaaryn and I were sealed.

Nauvoo, IL. This is probably my favorite one. At least tied with San Diego. My Mom took this from a wagon ride down from where the living history area is. This is how the Temple would have appeared to those who lived in Nauvoo. It's actually quite large.

As you can see here.

Los Angeles, CA. Easily the largest Temple I've ever seen. It's massive.

Manhattann NY.

It doesn't look like a temple from the street. I enquired within, and, sure enough, it is the House of the Lord. I went with my Mom. When we left, some dude heckled us. Welcome to New York.

Dallas, TX. I will post a bunch of pictures of this one. This is from my first trip a while ago.

2008-08-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

Double Post!

To begin this double post, allow me to clarify one thing: When I say that TV sucks, I don't mean that all TV sucks, just 99.9% of it. Take, for instance, the ample amount of quality football that can be found on TV. I love football, especially when it's on TV, and even more so when I can receive broadcasts of my favorite games in the comfort of my own home, where I don't have to listen to the incessant boobery of foulmouthed, tipsy, fat guys (Rush Limbaugh doesn't do sports, otherwise I would).

Beyond football, there is another thing I have been known to enjoy on occasion: 30 Days. This is a show from the guy who made the documentary Supersize Me, which I also recommend (especially for you, Limbaugh). The show works the same as the movie: someone who is usually an activist, or the host himself, is put into a situation with which they ardently disagree, for 30 days. They usually do really hotbutton issues like gun control, homosexuality, animal rights, there was one episode where the mother of a girl who attends ASU went on a 30 day drinking binge to try to get her daughter to stop drinking (completely serious here, it's all online). The drinking one was acually quite moving, seriously. However, they aren't always hot topics: in one, a former NFL player confines himself to a wheelchair for 30 days; the host spends 30 days working as a coal miner. You get the gist. In all, though, this show will get you going at times, and always give you much to talk about. They usually begin 2 hour conversations with Kaaryn and I. But, like any good art, it will teach you more about yourself than the people in the show.

The shows are all available online for free at hulu.com. Here is a link.

http://www.hulu.com/30-days

One thing. On hulu, it frequently says they have mature content and require a password. I've yet to come across any mature content, but I haven't seen them all. I would definitely call this family entertainment. But watch out, I guess.

Here's one of my favorite episodes. Use the link above and you can do a full-screen viewing.

Last week, Salem and I got to go on Daddy-Daughter date. We went to the Duck Pond at Trinity Park. She was very well behaved and a lot of fun. Enjoy some pictures.

There was a particularly handsome man behind the camera.

I kept trying to take pictures of the ducks, but Salem wouldn't get out of the way.

"Anyone got some milk I can throw at that baby?"

(Insert joke about nuts here)

We've started lectures on sucker theory. You can see she still has a ways to go.

2008-07-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

If you know me, you know I read a lot. Here is my reading list this summer:

Radicals, Rhetoric, and the War--Brad Lucas
The Road--Cormac McCarthy
The Chicago Guide to Your Academic Career
Bird by Bird--Anne Lamott
The MLA Guide to Academic Writing
Modern Dogma and the Rhetoric of Assent--Wayne Boothe
Rhetorical Power--Steven Mailloux
Literary Theory: A Very Short Introduction
Orientalism--Edward Said
The Revolution: A Manifesto--Ron Paul
The Essential Foucault 1954-1984

In addition to books, I read a lot of periodicals and websites. I subscribe to the following: Newsweek (with which, I might add, I am very unimpressed), Home Theater, Sound and Vision, ESPN the Magazine, The Ensign. I don't read these in their entirety. I also read at least one article a day from my favorite websites: ESPN.com, nytimes.com, latimes.com, washingtonpost.com, star-telegram.com (local FT Worth paper), dallasnews.com, digg.com, time.com, hnn.us (the History News Network, I highly recommend it). Plus all of your wonderful blogs.

Why do I list this? For fun. But also, I want you to know that I read a lot, so that you when I say that I read something singularly brilliant, you believe that I have things to which I might compare it.

You might have noticed a book in the list: Orientalism, by Edward Said. I am giving this book my fullest endorsement. I have not read a work this insightful and intelligent in some time. What is this book about? That is a tricky question. This book is not a history of the middle east. This book is a history of western discourse about the middle east. There really is a huge difference. This guy is looking at the way that Europeans and Americans have studied the middle east.

Until you read this book, you cannot understand Occidental foreign policy. You cannot understand relations between the middle east and Western culture, to put it another way. But, beyond the specifics of middle eastern/western relations, this book will show how entire fields of knowledge are established and entrenched and how difficult it is to break out of these discourses. Said is using a lot of Foucault's theories, so if you want more, read the Foucault collection I listed above as well.

Read this book! You will not be sorry you did. It is tough reading, but you will have much to think and talk about afterward. It is still in print. It has been translated into 25 languages. It's that good. Read it! . . . Now!

2008-07-12T15:56:00.000-05:00

Dooooo you. . .do. . . eeeeeeaat like I do?

I don't mind telling you that I know my way around a kitchen. I thought I would make a post about some of my favorite thing to eat, which, unfortunately, means I have to cook them first. I'll waste no time.

First thing: throw out your vegetable oil, or, (shudder), canola oil. I only cook with olive oil and I will never go back. It tastes better and is better for you.

I have also been not buying flour. I have a wheat grinder (courtesy of Mom) and I grind whole wheat to make flour. It might not be quite what your used to eating, but it's cheaper and, again, better for you. I have grown to prefer this over white flour. If you're interested in red wheat, you can email my good friend Ryan Fernandez and he will fill you in on the gastrointestinal effects, as he so kindly did for Kaaryn and me.

But enough of this, on to recipes.

I will start with the most simple. There is a certain brand of pancake mix that puts all others to shame. I owe this one to Ryan and Teresa Fernandez. I used to home teach the Fernandi. During one visit Teresa told us about this mix and excitedly sent us home with a box of our own. I have since sent a few boxes home with people myself. That's how good this pancake mix is, it turns you into a crack dealer. "Hey kid, how would you like to fly . . . lumberjack style?" That's how good this mix is. As far as we can tell, it is only available at Frye's stores, they call them Kroger here in Texas. It is called "Premium Quality: Private Selection Belgian Waffle and Pancake Mix." Look for it at your local Frye's/Kroger store. Kaaryn has never liked pancakes, she loves these. When you eat them, be sure you use real 100% maple syrup. We recently began using real maple. It is much tastier and is not just flavored corn syrup, which is what you're eating if it's not real maple.

There is a certain pizza dough that I make frequently. I got this recipe online, but I find the exact one lacking. I found this recipe because it was the first one that came up when I googled "pizza dough recipe." There is the link below. But I make the following change to this recipe: When at the stage when you have just added 1 cup flower and 1/4 cup olive oil, I like to add crushed red pepper, black pepper, minced garlic, and oregano (at least, Kaaryn tells me it's oregano.) Follow the instructions and take my additions and it makes one tasty dish. The recipe will make one extra large pizza or two big calzones.
http://www.fabulousfoods.com/recipes/breads/yeast/pizzadough.html

My most simple taco meat. This couldn't me much easier, but we enjoy it quite a bit. I will brown a pound of beef in El Pato. El Pato is a Mexican duck sauce. It runs about 60 cents for a small can. It comes in both green and red cans. I like them both. I put the El Pato in before I cook the beef, cook it in the beef, and then drain it all in a strainer. It leaves a terrible mess in your sink, but is very easy and very good. Look for El Pato in the Hispanic Food section at your local grocer. (Bonus: Put El Pato on a frozen pizza. I call it the heartburn special.)

For all of you out there that think you could never make some good kabobs, I say "Don't be so foolish." Kabobs are simple. Just get yourself some decent beef, some chicken, and some veggies, (I prefer peppers, onions, squash, and mushrooms), marinate that beef and chicken over night and cook it over some charcoal. You heard me, Hank, propane is void of flavor. It may be clean and efficient, but I like the smokey taste of carcinogens.

Also, never again should you have a boring burger. Don't use pre-made patties, unless you're already drunk. Start with thawed ground beef. Knead some seasoned salt, some pepper, and garlic if you please, into the meat. If you have the means and the taste, a couple tablespoons of your favorite marinade is very good as well. This is very simple, but adds worlds of goodness to your burger. Once again, make sure it's cooked over charcoal.

Kaaryn tells me that Navajo tacos are a Snowflake favorite. Start by making some sopapillas. (1 cup flower, 1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, pinch salt: cut 1 tablespoon butter into flower mix: add 1/3 cup warm water and knead: fry in oil.) (Recipe from Kaaryn's family cookbook). Then just add some Mexican meat (the El Pato beef works very well), some beans, cheese, and whatever else you might like. This, like all my recipes, is very easy.

That's all I feel like typing for now. Please, if you have a favorite thing to eat, and make, leave it in the comments for everyone. I am always looking for more things to try.

2008-07-01T23:21:00.000-05:00

2750 South Hulen St., Fort Worth, Texas 76109
The Brimhalls recently paid us a visit. It was a pleasant trip. I think it reached its pinnacle when we all got to hear Shane perform his delightfully profane cover of Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name of." It was also nice to have Jalan and Penny around to leap onto the grenade that is Salem's unquenchable need for attention. All kinds of fun things were done. And we have the pictures to prove it.

Jalan was nice enough to feed Salem. She was grateful.

Kaaryn and her family all visited the 6th floor museum. It is a museum in Dallas in the very room where "Oswald shot Kennedy." I put that in quotation marks because it has come to my attention that there is a certain kook conspiracy theory concerning the death of President Kennedy. Apparently this theory posits that Oswald was a disgruntled communist that acted completely alone in the assassination. Outlandish, I know. Thankfully nobody really believes it.

See the white "X" in the middle lane. That is where Kennedy was shot. Seriously, it's still there.

Here's the Texas Book Depository. It's just across the street from the Dallas Money Depository, which is what they call a bank here.

They built this monument for Kennedy. Evidently, Oswald has a monument in his honor at General Dynamics' Corporate Office in Falls Church, Virginia.

We also went to Six Flags, which is in Arlington, between Dallas and Fort Worth. Six Flags in right next to the Rangers ballpark and the new 1.2 billion dollar Cowboys stadium. It's really cool down there. It was a pretty hot day, but we all survived.

Believe it or not, Batman took this picture.

If anyone knows who's car this is, some idiot parked in my space.

It was really hot, I tells ya!

Bald people get thirsty too.

They had some good shows . . . no, wait. That was actually a gubernatorial debate.

We went and ate dinner in the Historic Fort Worth Stockyards District. The Stockyards District reminds me a lot of the old movie "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" excepts not quite as sophisticated.

This is a small, outdoor mall.

I went in to order a share of Google and they asked if I wanted t-bone or sirloin.

Jessica Simpson would be proud. Too bad she can't read the caption.

Somehow they knew I would be there. I felt very welcome.

2008-06-21T19:02:00.000-05:00

The Great Circle of . . . Stuff.

Here is something we have enjoyed of late. Kaaryn notices a bird's nest a few weeks ago. There were eggs in it. I refused to count them so as to, once again, assure compliance with axiomatic knowledge. However, they hatched this week. Three birds. I named them after the three wise men: Larry, Moe, and Shemp. Enjoy the pictures.

Strait from the White House Lawn. . .

Luckily, I have a lot of experience creeping through bushes with a camera.

Call them chicks? You pig!

Unfortunately, I had just vomited all my food for Salem.

2008-06-19T09:31:00.000-05:00

Sweet, summer rain. You know, they say God blessed Texas (with more, that is, than a hair trigger on the execution order). Today, I have the proof.

Somehow, north Texas has arraigned some kind of deal with God, wherein He waters our lawns for free. This may be difficult for those in Arizona to believe, but it's true. I have photographic proof. Check out this morning's Texas thunderstorm.

This is at 7:30AM. Before the rain.

After the rain began.

2008-06-15T18:46:00.001-05:00

I write this post, not to boast, but just to show everyone how much better I am than them. Kaaryn and I have recently proved ourselves to be thrift store champions. "What's that", you say, "aren't thrift stores for losers?" Well, yes. Thrift stores are for losers. You, my reader, have won this round, but I'll be back, rest assured.

I will explain for anyone unfamiliar with thrift stores. Thrift stores have goods donated to them by well-meaning, yet wasteful people. After wading through the aftermath of said donations, and rubbing elbows with the lumpenproletariat, the store will sell you the goods in exchange for a small amount of American dollars and your dignity. However, in my case, the joke is on them, since I gave up my dignity when I attended Arizona State. Anyhow, we were frequenters of some stores of the thrift variety back home. But, we had to find new stores here in Fort Worth. And, as luck would have it, we found a couple of stores we really like.

Each thrift store has its own cause it benefits. I can't recall the name of the first thrift store, but it benefits a local pregnancy center. It was tidy and well done. The people were very nice. It was definitely one of the more classy thrift stores, evidenced in the lack of lice warnings on the clothing racks. We found some good things at this one. Check it out.

Hat for baby: $1.50

End table: $5.00

Frames: $5.00 each

The other store we found is a Goodwill. As were approaching this particular branch, Kaaryn noticed the word "Superstore" written across the side of the building. "Wow!" She exclaimed. "It's a superstore!" "What does that mean?" I asked. "I don't know. But it sounds great!" So what is a Goodwill Superstore? As far as I can tell, there are three major differences between this Goodwill and others. The differences are: 1. The Superstore had about 35% less stank than the typical Goodwill. 2. The body fat of the average shopper at the Superstore dropped down to a scantly 40%. And, finally. number 3. The employees were not trying to hang themselves in the belt section. Other than that, the stores were identical. Goodwill stores also have a charitable cause. They employ those in need of job training or who are otherwise difficult to employ, namely: the mentally and physically handicapped, ex-convicts, and ousted congressmen. We found some more deals here. Check them out.

Chandelier: $5.00

Plates: 4 for $4.00

Plates: 8 for $4.00

Picture and frame: $5.00

Sewing desk: $20.00

These were not all of our deals. But it will give you an idea.

2008-06-07T16:44:00.001-05:00

Greetings and hello.

Enough with the apologies of late. Now, I will update everyone on the family.

Kaaryn has been working overnights as a hospice home health nurse. She goes to people's homes and stays overnight as they slowly and impatiently wait to die. I know it sounds like a circus, but it's actually kind of a drag. She works from 8PM to 8AM. Then she comes home and sleeps while I play Mr. Mom. Her schedule has her working three days one week and then 4 days the next, which has her harassing me four days one week and then three days the next.

Salem has been growing up quite a bit. She now has a total of four teeth, which beats out the majority of residents in Taylor, AZ.

She likes to Skype her grandmas. If anyone is not familiar with Skype, it's the coolest thing since James Dean's estate sale. People can do videophone conversations for free online. Check it out at skype.com.

She has been eating baby food lately. Kaaryn gave her a go at this pizza crust, which nearly ended in the baby Heimlich, seriously, it almost did.

She has been working on her baby smile. Which is coming along.

This was a propitious bit of photography. This was the first time Salem sat up unassisted.

And finally, Salem has been dabbling with the Jedi mind trick. I can't quite recall why, but I let her stay up really late that night.

An interesting episode with Athos: he disappeared a couple of nights ago. He likes to go outside and has never ventured further than three feet from our back door. However, one night, as I am going to bed, I noticed that nothing extraordinarily abrasive is licking my scalp. I looked everywhere and could not find him. The next day I looked all over again. Athos was gone. Kaaryn and I drove around the neighborhood and inquired with neighbors, but there was no white puff of fur to be found anywhere outside of Mrs. Smith's jumbo old lady hat.

The only thing that gave us comfort was that we had just purchased a collar and a tag for him, so hopefully anyone that found him would know where to call. But nobody called. So imagine my surprise when the next morning I let Mojo out and saw no kitty. Five minutes later, I go to let "capital M, as in Momo," as I call him, back into the house, and there is Athos pawing at the glass door. He looks like he lost some weight, and was very glad to be home, but came home nonetheless.

Here he is trying to steal some cereal from me after returning home.

And just hanging around having a lazy day.

Mojo has been coming along very well. He loves Athos, they play quite a bit. And he really loves Roxanne. Those two have some pretty intense play sessions full of biting and tackling and neck and ear pulling. Mojo is pretty much fully potty trained and is pretty good about only chewing licensed objects.

Mojo loves to play with Roxanne. Athos likes to spectate.

He has been working on the face pull move for a few weeks now.

And Mojo loves to snuggle.

2008-06-04T10:55:00.000-05:00

Hello, everybody. I apologize for the recent lull in quality content. I have a little more busyness in the near future, and then I promise to get everyone up to speed. In the mean time, I have created a companion blog to this one: Generally Interesting Videos. I have been finding a lot of videos and I didn't just want to throw them all on this blog. So I made a new one. There is a link to the right, or you can find it at generallyinterestingvideos.blogspot.com Leave a comment if you visit the site, so I know if anyone is actually going there. I will probably update that blog fairly frequently, so enjoy.

2008-05-25T21:37:00.000-05:00

The time has come, bloggers, to pay the proverbial piper. I found a nice dry speech on Web 2.0 and what this guy calls the "cognitive surplus." And now you must watch it! But seriously, this is really good, and, I think, significant. Before you say, "Oh no! Another bald, white guy badmouthing tv. I love tv. Tv makes me feel like I'm somebody!" Before you say any of that, watch this. The blogging world should find this, at least, interesting, since you're doing exactly what he's talking about. It runs about 15 minutes.

2008-05-25T17:51:00.000-05:00

I've been busy with some stuff of late. I don't have much time for a decent post. So, instead of posting about the stuff that keeps my busy, I found a humorous video on The Onion that is both pertinent and non offensive. Enjoy.

In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?

2008-05-17T20:52:00.000-05:00

Everybody meet. . .Mojo! You, blogging world, chose the name. Mojo just beat out our second choice for a name, which was Suck-it-Saleem (see comments for last post).

With all of the hoopla for Mojo of late, I thought it would be nice to dedicate a post for Roxanne. I caught up with Roxanne today in the backyard and she was kind enough to answer a few of my questions. Here are the transcripts.

How have you been adjusting with a new puppy around?

Pretty well, Matt. It was difficult to transition from a home where there was abundant canine interlocution and butt sniffing. I have enjoyed having Mojo at home and look foreword to the next time he bites my ear and tries to drag me away with it.

You brought up butt sniffing. Could you tell me a bit more about that particular practice.

Butt sniffing is an age old tradition wherein one dog is able to ascertain what the other ate for breakfast that morning, or even dinner the night before, depending on the time of day.

Would it be fair to say that poop has a fair amount to do with this practice?

Yes and no. There are certain glands in that area, the perineum, if you will, that do create a certain interest to fellow dogs. But, if one is to discuss poop in this matter, it is necessary to have a firm grounding in poop theory. The first thing one should know about poop from a dog's perspective, is that each morsel of dookie is a veritable journal entry in that dog's life. What has this dog eaten? Are there any lingering gastrointestinal issues? Is the hydration significant? In anyone looking in case I would like to eat this particular specimen? One needs to take a very nonjudgmental approach to another dog's excrement. If you knew when someone was examining your butt-butter and they were thinking “Heavens! This dog lack the proper nutrition to sustain a decent session of chase-and-bite,” you would be reluctant to allow someone to sniff you butt, or eat your poo, for that matter. You have to be confidant the other dog is thinking something like “Wow, a pancake must have fallen on the floor this morning!”

Fascinating. Tell me, there seems to be a lingering animosity between dogs and cats, would you care to comment on that?

Sure. While I can't deny there has been any hereditary antipathy between our two species, there has been significant progress in repairing all of the acrimony that has kept us separated for so long, an interspecies detente, if you will. It appeared that there was going to be real progress when representatives were sent from each species to a conference which was held beneath a bridge near the Howard Johnson's in Topeka. However, talks broke down when the Honorable Ambassador Sprinkles scratched Viceroy Pepper after splashing him with water. Shortly thereafter someone found a half eaten sandwich and all hell broke loose. I have to be going now. I hear the mailman and would like inflict some kind of bodily harm on him.

Thanks for your time, Roxanne. See that the mailman gets what's coming to him.

2008-05-14T20:24:00.000-05:00

Everyone say hello to . . . ? Well, we don't have a name yet. But fear not. We are allowing the blogging world to have some say. Please vote in the poll and give us your feedback. If you vote "other" please leave a suggestion in the comments. But about this puppy.

We always told ourselves that, after we get a home of our own, we would like to get another dog. Roxanne also has been a bit pouty since we've moved away from the other dog Sasha. So we've been visiting shelters and looking on craig'slist. We came across this guy on craig'slist and went out to see him today. I really liked him, so here he is.

His previous owner has no name for him yet. He was born on February 12th and is the biggest boy in the litter. I saw his dad and he was a big boy. Both of his parents are Pit Bulls. Looking at his paws, this guy could end up pushing 70-75 pounds, just a guess. He is very mellow and has vacillated between following Kaaryn and me around the house and approaching Roxanne in her house. I made the mistake of giving her a rawhide chewtoy, so she is not making him feel at home yet. I post more as we learn more. For now, just weigh in on the name. I'll leave the poll up for a few days.

This is just about the only face shot I could get where he didn't close his eyes.

As you can see.

He was awake here. Just closed his eyes. Look at those paws.

This is the Mr. Magoo shot.

He really likes Salem and has already bathed her once.

2008-05-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

I'll go ahead and cover two things in this post. But I want everyone to know, since I'm doing a double cow to the masses, with many pictures, that I will not be posting anything fun or vaguely interesting in the near future. It will be all lists and things that only I find funny. So be warned.

This post will be dedicated to two things: First, Salem ate food for the first time this week. It was well documented. Second, we've been getting a lot of requests for house pictures. I will post some.

Salem likes to begin with an appetizer of dirty socks.

She has trouble focusing. This picture is just before she challenged to camera to a duel.

But she does like the solid food.

After we're done, it's cleanup time.

Now for the house. A couple of things. We're not quite moved in as of yet. The yard is a mess and I haven't had time to tackle it yet. But I look foreword to it. Believe me, the world hasn't seen something reclaimed like this since Hannibal was defeated at Tarentum. The inside of the house is as disorderly as a Libertarian convention and is therefore off limit to pictures, says the boss.

Beginning with the house from the street.

Same house, new angle.

The street on which we live.

The backyard is pretty small. I'd guess about twenty feet from house to fence. The family before us built the deck so as to be wheelchair accessible. I think they got their mortgage from a loanshark and wanted to be prepared for the worst.

This is our dining room. Tables are for suckers! That fireplace burns wood, or, in the case of the Nixon whitehouse, incriminating documents.

This is the Master bedroom on guys' night out. Athos and I had been doing some serious partying.

I hope you all enjoyed this post. Because for a while I will not be humoring the humorless. Lucky for you, I don't have any ideas yet.

2008-05-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

Perhaps some bad news this time. We're a bit worried about our neighborhood after what happened yesterday. Right across the street from us, there was what appeared to be a gang initiation. A couple of guys got beaten pretty badly. I did what any self-respecting man would do. . .I hid in my house and called the police. I did, however, manage to film the whole thing on my cell phone. Here's the video. I'll warn you, it's not for the weak of stomach.

2008-05-05T23:31:00.001-05:00

Greetings from Crowley, Texas. I'll make this post short and incoherent, since we've both been exhausted since Thursday. We have arrived safely in Crowley, which is just southwest of Fort Worth. We spent all day packing. Kaaryn and I loaded our entire storage unit ourselves, which contained the vast majority of our stuff. Kaaryn is a lot tougher than she looks. Friday, Kaaryn's dad, Shane, and I drove the stuff while Kaaryn flew to Fort Worth with Salem. Shane and I left at 5:30AM Arizona time and arrived at 11:00PM Arizona time. We made no superfluous stops. Kaaryn left 10 hours after us and arrived 4 hours before us. You gotta love air travel!

Our house was quite a mess when we got here. We've been trying to clean and settle and whatnot nonstop since Saturday, and we still have a very long way to go. So stay posted for updates. I have been getting hounded for more pictures of Salem, so this posting should get some of you off of my back.

Here we are striking a pose in front of the house. Shane made us.

Roxanne makes herself at home on the deck.

Roxanne and Athos picked up right where they left off. Here they are in the cab of the moving truck.

Salem after vomiting in her exersaucer. Note the chin.

Salem after Kaaryn told her the Dodgers won that day.

Kaaryn and Brianne took some photos of Salem and Dalton. These two are cousins, for those who don't know.

Here, Salem embraces the spirit of the South, and tries to make out with her cousin.

2008-04-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

New York City?!

That’s right, last week my mom took me to Manhattan for my birthday and to do some family history. (I never found the infamous salsa factory of commercial fame.) We had loads of fun and did all sorts of remarkable things. Which I will prove to be true by presently remarking on them. Enjoy the pictures. I had trouble getting the formatting correct. The captions are the for the picture beneath them.

Here I am at St. Patrick's Cathedral the day before the Pope did a Mass there. He let me borrow his hat.

This is the cemetary where we were looking for our family. It was in Queens. Three million people are buried there.

This is Trinity Church viewed from Wall Street.

This is where George Washington took the oath of office.

I believe this is where the current president took the oath.

This is ground zero viewed from Trinity Church. They removed the viewing platform and put a fence around it, so you can't see it anymore.

Times Square at dusk.

The Statue of Liberty.

We went to the Museum of Natural History, which is like a zoo, if nothing moved. As you can see, things can get pretty dicey around there. We saw elephants. . .

Tyrannosauras. . .

And a Triceratops. . .

This was a filming of The Oreilly Factor.

All in all, we had good fun. Stay tuned for news on the move.

2008-04-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

Not much has been going on of late. Our bid for the house we wanted was accepted. We opened escrow and things are looking good. Kaaryn and I have both been sick this week. Some kind of flu appears to be going around. I vomited enough to properly review a Jerry Bruckheimer film and had a fever that left me soaking wet all night. . . at least, I think that was the fever. But I felt better after about a day. Since not much has been happening, I went ahead a wrote a letter to the recording industry. Enjoy.

An open letter the the RIAA.

To whom it may concern,

I have lived these last years in complete compliance with your request to rightfully purchase all music I own or download. I have patiently suffered as I hear all of the accounts of your pursuit of offenders, listened to your arguments without expressing my boredom, and wagged my proverbial finger at those who steal your music and esteemed them as thieves. All of this, I believe, puts me in accord with your strict desires. Now the time has come for me to make a few demands of my own, which I believe you will find to be reasonable and should not cause too much trouble for you to implement. I will list my demands according to musical genre.

Rock and Roll, including Alternative and any other applicable genres.

I never again wish to hear the words “voices in my head,” or any variation of the words, repeated in a song. The phrase has been used far too often and has become about as clichéd as a politicians use of the word “change.” Please ask depressed and uninteresting artists to come up with a better way of failing to convince me they are mentally abnormal. In fact, to claim one hears voices has become just about the most normal thing in rock music.
Please restrict the age of any artist singing about high school dances, parental tyranny, or any other such puerile topic, to 20. It gets really creepy to hear a 30 year old man sing about the most popular girl in school.
Certain bands will need to add a second chord to their repertoire.

Rap Music

Please require each artist, at least once in his career, to admit that their music does in fact affect people for good or for bad. We've all heard their argument and nobody is buying it.
I would like if people would stop making me feel foolish for not being able to correctly pronounce your artists names. This is somewhat negotiable, but it may come off better if you consider me somewhat handicapped in the matter.

Jazz

Thirty minutes is far too long for one song. Otherwise, Jazz musicians can go on quietly starving without any further complaint from me.

Classical

Ordering tickets to an event should not land one's self on a telemarketer's list who calls fortnightly to request a donation. Believe me, I gave you a donation when I paid $60 to sit in the balcony next to a man with emphysema.

Country

As much as I appreciate the living lesson on market demand, I will need a letter signed by no less than three artists explaining exactly what is so bucolic about suburbia.
Furthermore, if this genre is to continue as the spring from which all musical patriotism flows, it will need to be proved that at least one of the artists has read the Constitution, or can at least spell Constitution.

Pop Music

I'm afraid that I don't have room here to adequately discuss this genre. However, I would like to tour the factory where this music is produced.

Signed,
Matt Palmer

2008-04-03T09:53:00.000-05:00

I came across a video this morning on espn.com that I found hilarious. If you don't follow the NFL you probably won't find this very funny. However, if you are one of those people who has some deep and irrational hatred of athletes, you might enjoy this also. This is Chad Johnson on Sports Center showing us all the educational standards when playing for Dennis Erickson.

2008-03-30T15:21:00.001-05:00

I apologize for the lack of update lately. Kaaryn and I have been terribly busy. But, today, we post some big news. We have made a decision on grad school and made an excursion to shop for houses. We decided on Texas Christian. They offered us the best funding package, but that wasn’t the deciding factor. I think that TCU is probably the best match for my educational interests. Kaaryn really wanted to move to Fort Worth. So everybody couldn’t be more excited. I won’t bore you with more details on the educational side of things.

We got back late last night from Fort Worth. We drove. It was 14.5 hours each way. These are probably the fourteen most boring hours one could spend in a car. I couldn’t put into words how ugly southern Arizona, southern New Mexico, and West Texas are, but this picture I took at the Fort Worth Zoo should give you a pretty good idea.

We shopped for houses and made an offer on one. We haven’t heard any word yet. We’ll let you know. However, we found time to go do a couple of fun things. The picture below is from Trinity Park. It is a very nice park right on the Trinity River.

This is downtown Fort Worth from Trinity Park.

Here are a bunch of shots from the zoo. This gorilla is doing his Marlon Brando impression.

This Meerkat is famous for being involved in the Watergate scandal. In fact, I believe most members of the mongoose family vote republican.

This is actually a black tiger with white stripes.

We caught this bear on his break. He spends most of the day handing out towels in the men's room.

This being Texas, Salem would not have been the first baby that gator tasted.

We went downtown for dinner that night. Fort Worth has a really cool entertainment district downtown. This picture was taken right down there among the highrises. All of the buildings on the ground floor are restaurants and shops.

This is the historic courthouse downtown.

Stay posted for more updates soon.

2008-02-28T18:18:00.000-06:00

This last week may go down as the greatest week since Kaaryn and I were spliced. This week we took the leap and purchased an Xbox 360 and Rock Band. For those of you unfamiliar with Rock Band, I will explain. Rock Band is a lot like singing Karaoke, but with no cocktails or Japanese business men. To play Rock Band, one takes a toy guitar, which has five button and a strum bar, and presses buttons while strumming the bar. The television then rolls notes at the player who is expected to play said notes on the toy guitar with a look of pain and consternation on their face, but an ineluctable feeling of pride and accomplishment within their souls. There is also a drum set. The drum set has four pads and a bass pedal. Drums work the same way as the guitar with two differences: 1. The drums must be struck and not strummed. 2. Replace the look of pain and consternation with an open mouth and a look of stupor. The false sense of pride and accomplishment remain. To top it all off, Rock Band also includes a mircrophone which one uses to sing to the music and play like a cowbell on occasion. When singing, the software measures one’s timing and pitch, so anything less than a person’s A game, will be met with derision by the virtual fans in the game software. In short, pushing buttons hasn’t imbued ordinary folk with this much sense of power and importance since the advent of the hydrogen bomb. I highly recommend it.

Kaaryn and I have started our own band: 1.21 Jigawatts! Since we are now rock stars, we’ve had to alter our plans for the future just a little bit. I will explain.

First of all, we will have to change Salem’s name to Starlett United-Nations Palmer, both as a satire on our fellow celebrities’ names and to grease the wheels for future diplomatic appointments. Starlett will be followed by the birth of our son, Mount Rushmore, who will be accidentally named by Kaaryn when she gives birth in a drug-induced haze and mistakes our baby for a tiny stone replica of Theodore Roosevelt’s bust. (For more on Kaaryn’s planned drug abuse, see below.)

I will be accepted into a respectable graduate school. However I will drop out within the first semester because my hot temper does not lend itself to the cranky instruction of veteran professors known to me as “the man.” I will burn the educational bridge by doing something legendarily outlandish such as defecating on the dean of students’ desk, or attending church weekly. This, however, will give Kaaryn and I more time to focus on our band and our upcoming gig that will see us banned for life from Branson, Missouri for my controversial onstage remarks about the mayor and “his (expletive) parking tickets.” The free publicity will only serve to further our careers.

Kaaryn, meanwhile, plans to develop a terrible heroin addiction and a hidden love/hate relationship with limes. By the time of the birth of Mount Rushmore she will have entirely lost control of herself and will be arrested for nibbling on our only son after placing him between two large slices of rye bread to make what police and hipsters call a “California Cheeseburger.” We regain custody of Starlett and Rushmore after a short stint in rehab.

Just after rehab, we release our first album: “Flux Capacitating.” “Flux,” as we call it, shoots to #1 thanks in large part to the hit satirical ballad “I love you like I love Fresca.” I, however, begin to fall apart because of my jealously for Kaaryn’s success as a songwriter and her status as band front man and officially file for band breakup the day before we are supposed to play Carnegie Hall. I am granted custody of our children and most of the roadies.

After both of our solo careers go nowhere, we reunited for a failed album entitled “One More Chance to Hate.” The failure of the album marks the death of 1.21 Jigawatts!. Nobody notices. Once we are released from jail after a failed robbery of a high school teacher’s lounge, we each attend Bible college and start nondenominational ministries in separate states. Kaaryn’s church will be named Rock! Of God. And mine will simply and forthrightly be called I Will Preach to You for Money.

And then, in 2009. . .

This photo has nothing to do with Rock Band. We just thought everyone would enjoy it.

2008-02-17T00:18:00.000-06:00

Staying consistent with my policy of giving credit where it is due, I have to thank Alyssa of Alysstu (Stewie and Alyssa) for giving me the idea of making this posting. For Stewie’s birthday, she wrote a number of things she likes about him. Since Kaaryn’s birthday is the 20th, I thought I would share 25 things I like about her in no particular order, this being her 25th birthday. For my 26th birthday in April, however, I plan on posting 260 things I like about myself (which, believe it or not, I already have composed and can be found in a laminated card in my wallet at all times). Stay tuned for that one. As for now, happy birthday Kaaryn.

25. When I’m on the phone with Kaaryn and I have to whisper on my end, she whispers on her end.

24. Kaaryn is supportive of anything that is important to me.

23. Right after, or just before, I do anything stupid, Kaaryn says “Babe” in such a way as to end any doubt in my mind.

22. Kaaryn is a wonderful mother.

21. Kaaryn treats our dog the way a sycophant treats his boss.

20. Kaaryn can drive a stick shift very well.

19. Kaaryn never focuses on material things: she never compares our situation with that of others, she rarely buys clothes, doesn’t lust after cars or large houses.

18. Kaaryn doesn’t get mad at me when I accuse her of losing whatever I’m looking for at the time. (It’s actually my fault about 99% of the time, but, man, that 1% is sweet!).

17. Whenever I rant about something for the 50th time, Kaaryn usually acts like she has never heard that particular rant before. (I’m beginning to suspect this requires less acting than previously thought).

16. Kaaryn works for a summer camp for people with various kinds of disabilities and it’s obvious how much she cares for all of her “campers.”

15. Kaaryn is nearly the malcontent that I am.

14. Kaaryn spends a lot of time doing very nice things for people: she has spent countless hours scrapbooking decades of pictures for her grandmother, she is beginning to donate milk to AIDS babies, she married me, etc.

13. She convinced me, after years of debate, that it is indeed funny when someone falls down.

12. Kaaryn hates Valentine’s Day, and the commercialization of Christmas.

11. When we do our haunted house, Kaaryn gets really stressed out making everything perfect, yet refuses to accept anything less than her best.

10. Kaaryn loves to watch College Football and is beginning to know a good deal about it.

9. Kaaryn never hesitates to disagree with me.

8. Kaaryn and I work at the same place and she’s better at my job than I am.

7. Kaaryn is very talented at decorating.

6. Kaaryn loves to play Rock Band and is considering tackling the drums next.

5. Kaaryn throws a baseball very well and enjoys playing catch.

4. Everybody goes to Kaaryn to talk about important things.

3. Kaaryn’s well-grounded nature is the perfect thing to balance my aloofness and idealism.

2. Kaaryn hates chick flicks and all other forms of treacle.

1. Kaaryn still hasn’t realized she married far beneath herself.

Happy birthday Kaaryn!

2008-02-05T19:52:00.000-06:00

If I sound impatient in this entry, it’s because I just made the play list you hear. Had I known how troublesome those things are, you’d be reading a review of my favorite cartoon strips. I thought it would be good to do 15 songs you’ve probably haven’t heard, but I could only find 8 I wanted to put here. The classical selection was paltry, the rock and roll embarrassingly mainstream. So here we are: 10 songs that you might like that you’ve probably never heard. I had to stick to better known bands for the most part due to the lack of depth on that website.

Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble-- Little Wing

This is one of favorite tunes of all time. I think it captures everything that made Stevie Ray so great: virtuosity and passion.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience-- Hear My Train a Comin’

This is some of my favorite guitar work. It actually sounds like a train.

Metallica-- Whiskey in the Jar

A very cool cover song. I was debating whether I should add this song or Astronomy from the same album. This song starts faster, so I chose it to save you the trouble.

Jonnie Lang-- Lie to Me.

Disclaimer. Kaaryn hates this guy’s music. She thinks it’s melodramatic. I think it’s. . .passionate? Either way, this guy was 15 when this album was released. He sings and plays the guitar.

Thais-- Meditation

One of the most relaxing tunes you’ll find. Absolutely beautiful.

Megadeth-- Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying?

Of the many anthems for malcontents, this one is the best. I think Mustaine is the best song writer heavy metal ever saw, perhaps rock and roll ever saw. This may not be his best social criticism, but it shows his style and his attitude and is a fun romp through disaffection.

Bush-- Warm Machine

I just like this song. It’s from the “The Science of Things” failure of an album.

Bruch-- Violin Concerto #1

I wanted to put Brahms’ concerto for violin and cello, 3rd movement, but I couldn’t find it. However, this is really good stuff.

The White Stripes-- Death Letter

Fancy guitar work. Perhaps the most fun you'll have listening to an account of the death of a loved one. . . well, outside of the circus.

Led Zeppelin

The odds of you having heard this song before are actually pretty good, if you're over 30. But I still think there's a good chance you'll like it.

2008-01-17T23:53:00.000-06:00

To all of the no content, blogging low-lives constantly pestering me for more pictures, more pictures (Kaaryn), this is your lucky day. We blessed Salem this Sunday at church. It went well. This posting will be just about all pictures. To make up for it, my next posting will be a book review or something like that. I'll even put some pictures from Christmas just to make it worth your while.

Let's take a vote. Kaaryn says my face doesn't constitute a smile. I disagree. You be the judge.

This is Salem just after my quip about sandwiches.

Two out of the three that peed on the carpet that day.

This one has Nolan and Missy and the Martineaus. If you look closely, you can see Penny hiding behind us.

Salem, advertising her new fragrance.

Penny inspects Salem for size and freshness.

Wendell shows Salem the highway to the danger zone.

2007-12-31T11:42:00.000-06:00

I spoke with my uncle Jon by way of the telephone the other week. Jon is in remarkable shape these days and he gave the secret to his cardiovascular success. Jumping Rope. So in an attempt to whip myself into shape, I went out and purchased such a devise. I've been at it for a couple of weeks now and I'm glad to report that, as of right now, I am jumping rope with skills that rank somewhere between an amateur heavyweight boxer and a ten year old school girl. Luckily for our readers, I'm able to take you through one of my workouts using the miracle of time lapse photography. Check it out.

0:15 Into the Workout

0:30 Into the Workout

0:35 Into the Workout. Full Recovery!

0:45 Into the Workout

One Minute into the Workout

1:15 Into the Workout

Wrapping it up. Time for cooldown.

2007-12-29T09:37:00.000-06:00

Just a quick posting to sate all of your voyeuristic appetites for information. I've been working at A New Leaf (to answer your question: no, they couldn't come up with a worse name). This company has three inpatient treatment centers that reeducate sex offenders. It's my job to be with our clients with two or three others staff like myself (which is to say bitter and with their minds elsewhere) after the clients finish school and until they go to bed. A New Leaf runs its own charter school since these boys aren't quite cut out for public school at the moment. However, they made an interesting move with the high school mascot. They went with an absraction for a mascot, much like the Mountain Pointe Pride. They are the A New Leaf Frottage. A bold move, but it speaks true.

Kaaryn, Salem, and I spent Christmas in Snowflake with her family. She is going to be there with Salem until New Years day. So, sorry, no new pictures to be clapperclawed by the blogging masses. I say that with the utmost affection. But I do have a video of Christmas dinner at the Brimhall house. I shot it on my cell phone, so it might be hard to recognize everyone. Enjoy.

2007-12-16T23:51:00.001-06:00

I would like to begin this post by congratulating myself for graduating from ASU. I would like to continue at this point by thanking myself for my congratulations.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Matt,” you’re thinking, “is it really a big deal to graduate from the only university that won’t allow student to take finals if they’re wearing pants?” It’s better than you think. For that, good reader, is a half truth. I believe that Vassar has the same policy.

I thought that I would share a list of my favorite works I’ve read while studying literature at ASU as a recommendation to anyone looking for something good to read and as evidence to anyone who doesn’t believe I did any work. I’ll go with my five favorites in tidy genres. These aren’t necessarily my favorite works, just my favorites that I’ve studied in class. Also, I’ve no doubt forgot some stuff that belongs on the list, since I did this off the top of my head. Bonus: If you can name the mistake I made upwards of fifteen times in the following list, you become a blog superstar. FYI: most of this stuff can be found free online if you Google the title.

Poems:

5. “Luke Havergal” by EA Robinson
Much like Theodore Roosevelt, I love this poem and have little idea what it is actually about. It just sounds great.

4.“Dream song #1” by John Berryman
“Hard on the shore wears the strong sea/ And empty grows every bed” Beautiful poem, sad poem.

3. “The Bee Box” by Sylvia Plath
What does society do to the individual? What does the individual do with society?

2. “Dulce et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen
Wonderfully recounts the horrors of war with its attendant ideologies.

1. “The Waste Land” by TS Eliot
It’s not nonsense. I promise. Eliot communicates beyond words. Objective Correlative: he coined it, he mastered it.

Essays:

5. “The Myth of the Rhetorical Situation” by Richard Vatz
Vatz shows how knowledge about and the interpretation of an event determine its reality.

4. “Narrative on the Life of a Slave” by Frederick Douglass
How does one oppress effectively? Through distraction, groupthink, and ignorance, of course.

3. “On the Sublime” by Friedrich Schiller
The beginning of this essay is superb. “The morally educated man, and only this one, is entirely free.” Take your time, and read this one closely.

2. “Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses” by Louis Althusser
Very astute commentary about how a society perpetuates itself.

1. “Politics” by Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think this is were Emerson comes together the best. This is a call for mutual trust and love and for everyone to perform their duty to their fellow beings without compulsion. Read it!

Short Stories:

5. “Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote” by Jorge Luis Borges
A genuinely hilarious story about a writer who “did not want to compose another Quixote --which is easy-- but the Quixote itself . Needless to say, he never contemplated a mechanical transcription of the original; he did not propose to copy it. His admirable intention was to produce a few pages which would coincide--word for word and line for line--with those of Miguel de Cervantes.”

4. “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas” by Ursula LeGuin
A philosophical tale about a fictional utopia. . .at a cost.

3. “The Lost Beautifulness” by Anzia Yezierska
A sad story of extortion and giving in to ugliness. Yezierska is an immigrant who looks at one giving up on the American dream.

2. “Bartleby the Scrivener” by Herman Melville
What to do with people who refuse to function within the system? “Ah Bartleby! Ah Humanity!” I could have also picked “Billy Budd” or “Benito Cereno” both by Melville, both excellent.

1. “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings” Gabriel Garcia Marquez
How do people treat religion? A magically realistic investigation.

Plays:

5. “Oedipus King” by Sophocles
I didn’t say these were my favorites. Just my favorites from school.

4. “Troilus and Cressida” by William Shakespeare
Greed. Violence. Machismo. The more I think about this play, the more I like it. But it still gives me the creeps big time.

3. “Trifles” by Susan Glaspell
Don’t underestimate the ladies!

2. “Doctor Faustus” by Christopher Marlowe
The famous tale of a man who wanted to be more than mortal.

1. “King Lear” by William Shakespeare
Everything one needs to know about power and society. One of my absolute favorites.

Novels:

5. “All the Pretty Horses” by Cormac McCarthy
Well done. No quotation marks.

4. “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens
I read this as an allegory about upward social mobility. Dickens at his best.

3. “Utopia” by Thomas Moore
This book coined the word Utopia. Absolutely brilliant work from 1516 that reads like it could have been written last year. Perhaps the most insightful look into the underpinnings of civilization I’ve ever read.

2. “Heart of Darkness” by Joseph Conrad
English was Conrad’s third language. He wrote some of the most beautiful English prose ever. This book focuses on the ideology necessary to convince people to do great harm to other people. As applicable today as it was when it was written. Another of my all-time favorites.

1. “Moby Dick” by Herman Melville
Every citizen of a free nation needs to read and understand this novel. If you think Melville is being boring at any time, you’ve failed to pick up the symbolism, or shouldn‘t be allowed to vote. This is not a book about a whale. This is not a book about a boat. This is a book about the death of a nation. You could read this fifty times and come up with something new each time. First one to read this book gets a shiny new doubloon!

I originally planned to write a paragraph for each work explaining why I think it’s great, but at this point that just seems way too long. If you would like to hear any particulars, just shoot me a comment and I’ll reply.

For those of you who saw that this was a long post and skipped ahead to see of there are any new pictures, this is your lucky day.

2007-12-05T21:05:00.000-06:00

I make it a principal not to be persuaded by mob action. However, since this all occurs online and I am unable to punch the noisiest one of our readers, (which, I have been made to understand, is the way to go about breaking up a mob or a peewee soccer game) I will submit myself to the cry of the people and update everyone on Salem.

For those of you unaware, on November 20th I became the father of more than civil malcontent. As of now, Salem is 15 days old. We’ve been able to get to know her a bit by now. The consensus is that she looks like me. I couldn’t tell. I just thought that she looked like Robert Redford in the 1970s, so I guess that makes everybody correct. There are other ways to tell that she turned out just like her old man. The most clear evidence is that we have all of the same favorite things: sleeping, eating, and Kaaryn. Salem is quite partial to Kaaryn. I get to hold her for about five minutes before she starts crying and fussing and calling me what I’m sure are all sorts of mean and nasty things and asking me to let go so she can hold Salem. Salem, on the other hand, gives me about 10 minutes before she cries.

Salem has been sleeping pretty well at night. At least, that’s what I’ve heard; I’ve been sleeping great! Kaaryn has been a real trooper as I finish the semester and have been unable to pull my share of the parenting load. But don’t judge me, it’s temporary.
There’s not much to say about Salem at this point. We have, however, made some keen observations as to the nature of her fussing. What we’ve discovered is that there are several types of crankiness that accompany her infantile fits. They follow:

First, there’s Blanky Cranky: Blanky Cranky occurs when Salem is not wrapped tightly enough or when she is in any way unsatisfied with her dress or accouterment. Blanky Cranky is visible when she becomes restless and begins kicking at her blanket and crying. There is minimal redness in the facial area, and screaming is kept to rolling murmur.

Then, there is Stanky Cranky: Stanky Cranky is rather self-explanatory. This kind of cranky usually follows a moment of silence, wherein Salem goes cross-eyed and clenches both fists tight enough crack walnuts. The silence is then broken by crying and other accompanying noises. The crying reaches its peak during the necessary changing of the diaper, but is usually drowned out by the crying of her father.

The next kind of cranky is the most frequent: that is, of course, Dranky Cranky. Dranky Cranky happens about every two to three hours when Salem is hungry. Dranky Cranky is accompanied by extreme fidgeting, redness of the face from screaming, and an oral motion that is best described as a wet spaghetti noodle bent into an O and held out of a car window on the freeway.

The final form of crankiness we’ve noticed is none other than Rank Cranky: Rank Cranky occurs when anyone other than Kaaryn has been holding Salem for more than 5 minutes. This can be identified when Salem opens her eyes, yells, holds out her tiny middle finger and inquires about the whereabouts of her mother. There is only one known cure.

I hope any future parents find this information useful. Enjoy the pictures.

2007-11-23T19:45:00.000-06:00

2007-11-20T22:17:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the quick post. Salem was born today at 6:45 PM. I came home to grab some stuff and wanted to post so everyone could see. She was 5 pounds 13 ounces, 19 inches long, and slimey indeed. Here is a picture and a video of the birth (don't worry, Hoss, it's watchable). Stay tuned, I'll post more when I can.

2007-11-12T20:12:00.000-06:00

I’m not sure if all are aware, but there are several entrepreneurs in the family these days. I recently learned that Yelena started a business that sells pain relief technology. And I’ll tell you what, nobody has tapped the ancient wisdom of the Chinese this well since Quentin Tarantino. Nolan and Missy started a business offering various gift card and business card-like products. (They both have websites. I’ll give links, if anyone wants to see.) Along these lines, it hasn’t been too long since Tanya Palmer earned her license in gemology. With that in mind, Tanya, you’re no longer allowed to look at Kaaryn’s wedding ring.

I’ve always admired entrepreneurs, so this got me thinking. Spencer and Ann’s blog had this thing that tells one what celebrities they look like. So I says to myself, “Self, why should we stop there?” Inspired by the entrepreneurial spirit, (J.D. Rockefeller, to be exact), I spent my lunchbreak writing some groundbreaking software that will revolutionize the world of celebrity look-alike conjecture. My software will tell you, not who you already look like, but who your children will look like when they are fully grown. To make this happen, I take your child’s photo and run it against a database of over ten billion celebrities. From there, it’s a secret. All I can tell you is that my software uses the most cutting edge algorithms, logarithms, mysticisms, and funkyrhythms. To prove that it works, I’ve posted a video showing the results for the tests on Kaaryn’s siblings and my siblings. I’m still trying to get some of the kinks worked out. But, if you ask me, I’d say it looks pretty accurate. Check it out.

http://highlandmarketingsolutions.com/ Nolan and Missy

http://naturalpainreliefpads.com/ Yelena

2007-11-07T22:13:00.000-06:00

Good news. I’ve confirmed that this blog now has at least 5 readers. This may sound paltry to some, but put into terms of television audience, I would rate somewhat below the WNBA finals, and significantly higher than Katie Couric. All I do now is wait for the corporate fat-cats to call with a sack of money.

Anyhow, I have been told that this blog has committed a most serious family-blog faux pas. No pictures. And so to rectify this gravest of errors, I offer some photos of the fam as it is.

Here we are at Dodger Stadium this August. (Jon, Kaaryn, and Matt Palmer not pictured)

Here we are at Disneyland, same trip.

(If you look really hard, you can see Walt Disney's ghost hassling a vacationing Jewish family)

This is me, just after midterms.

This is Athos, the best cat there ever was.

I hope this entry will sate the appetite for pictures for now. Stay tuned.

2007-11-06T22:02:00.001-06:00

Hello, and welcome to the inaugural posting of our family blog.

So, as to give credit in such a manner as to be consistent with the old proverb, I was inspired by Raysha’s new family blog to start this one. I begin this with very little idea about what to write. So, if there is anything I don’t mention any of you would like to know, just ask.

The biggest news right now is, of course, Kaaryn. She is currently 8 ½ months pregnant, and 9 ¾ months testy. She is due November 22nd, Thanksgiving day, or as it’s known to most, the day USC plays ASU. Hopefully the baby comes a day or two early or late, because I have bigger fish to fry that Thursday (a public Scum Devil flogging by the Trojans to be precise). If any don’t know yet, the baby is a girl. We’ve chosen the name Salem for various reasons and have been the recipients of a moderate amount of lip since. All of it has fallen on deaf ears (We‘re looking your way, Penny). When Salem comes, I’ll be sure to post pictures and whatnot. In the meantime, we’re all waiting.

I will graduate from ASU in December with a BA in English with an emphasis in Literature. Unknown to most, to simply major in English is impossible. Typically, students must choose an emphasis. Most colleges have emphasis in Literature, Linguistics, and Creative Writing. I will explain. The Creative Writing folk seem to be overly nostalgic about their high school days. This can be seen in two ways: first, they chose to spend an additional four years in school learning nothing and will graduate with roughly the amount of skills necessary to wait tables or burglarize pawnshops; second, judging by the quality of their writing, they still assume that other people care about them, when it is clearly not the case. The Linguistics people are the nerds of the department. I know that the pot and the kettle are considered equally black, but you’ll have to trust me on this. Linguists spend most of their time inventing new rules for grammar, just so they have something to correct in others’ speech, and cataloging the evolution of the way swear words are scratched into bathroom stalls. Thus Literature Studies becomes the least ugly girl at the dance, not attractive by her own merits, only by the juxtaposition with lesser beings. Literature Studies may seem superfluous at first glance, but I assure you that there is great worth in writing lengthy articles that no one will read about the myriad ways Shakespeare mentioned syphilis in his plays (there actually is a field of scholarship devoted to this, seriously). Literature students graduate and set out to change the world. Mostly by lobbying for the legalization of hemp for all of its many uses, not the least of which is rope-making. And after they’ve given up on social reform, they usually end up in grad school. Which brings me to my next item.

I am currently applying to grad schools. However, I am not applying to Literature schools. I am applying to study Rhetoric and Composition. This is another appendage of English departments, but is not listed above because an undergraduate degree in RhetComp is typically not offered. Rhetoric and Composition focuses on the creation and dissemination of meaning. It’s really fun stuff. I want to get a PhD. That takes about six years, depending on the program. I am applying to the following schools in order of my desire to attend: Carnegie Mellon (Pittsburgh), Texas Christian (Fort Worth), Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh), Arizona (Tucson), Wisconsin-Milwaukee (Milwaukee), Purdue (West Lafayette, Indiana), and Illinois (Champaign). I have no idea where I’ll get accepted, or if. Admission is competitive, so we just have to wait and see. I already took the GRE and did tolerably well, so I hope that doesn’t get in the way. Applications are due in December, for the most part. The programs say that they answer applicants by March or April. So until then, I won’t know anything.

If you’re as tired of reading at this point as I am of writing, then I’d say this is a good place to stop for now. Stay tuned. I have plenty more about which to blog.